To tell or not to tell

I made a decision a while back - before I went ahead with the surgery - not to tell anyone about it.

There were a few people who, along the course of matter, I could not avoid in saying something, and one friend put a few things together and worked it out.

For those people I entrust a sacred bond and have asked them not to discuss or tell others. Not because I live a lie, not because I am secretive - but because its been a very personal journey for me and one which I would like to share with those who need to know. Its nothing to do with trust or who I "like" more than another person. My decision was mine to make and I believe its mine to then share with those I want to.. and not for it to be openly chatted about.

I was in a lot of personal emotional pain before the surgery and had shut myself away. So afterwards and during my recovery, it was easy to keep away from people and friends. For many I was absent for up to 6 months - so the changes in my body - if they noticed at all - were not of a shock or surprise.

For some friends, I found it very difficult NOT to say anything, but kept my silence. I've always been one to tell friends everything and be very open about stuff.. but for some reason - this decision I made - was for me alone and one I didn't want to share with even the closest friend.

So - if you are wondering - should I tell people or should I not? Whatever surgery you are looking at doing - do it for the right reason - for you.

Ask yourself - what are you going to 'get' out of telling others about your decision?

Will that support you or place negative energy on you?

For me - the judgement and negativity I received from my sisters - people I thought would support and encourage me regardless to what I did, formed the base in which I operated from. I was not ( and still am not) prepared to have to justify my decision - or feel embarrassed or ashamed I 'succumbed' to the beauty myth.

I know I have said this before - but I had massive changes in my body - and not very many people even commented on it. I really don't think many even noticed... which is a big slap in the face - but one that confirms that you need to do this surgery for YOURSELF...

Scars and Stuff

I have been saying I will take a photo of my scaring and publish them - but just haven't. Yes its a bit personal - so no offense is intended and I am certainly not the type to be flashing my bits around normally.

I am publishing these so that anyone who is thinking of doing something similar will be aware of the extent of scaring that can occur. Personally its a very small price to pay. they are in very intimate areas - and anyone who has access to those areas damn well best keep their mouth shut if they don't like the look of them.

I will be pretty open here - so if you're not up for it - click away now.

First - my breasts. There is a little darkening in some areas around the nipples and I have had internal stitches get all festy and lumpy. However - the body just got rid of the foreign objects - so in a gross spurt of goo - bits of stitch were ejected. On the whole though - fantastic - re-attached perfectly..

There are scars from underneath which trace upward to the nipple area. They are fading fast - but won't ever go - but really - small price to pay.


This is a shot of my hip area. My Tummy tuck scar is from hip bone to hip bone. As you can see, its fading fast too. the closer to the middle though - I still have deep bruising. The line is still noticeable - but I really don't care. Its not like I am going to flash it round or go nude anywhere soon.!!

If I go back to Thailand, I will seriously look at getting a tat done all the way across over the line - entwined ivy - like my ankle.

I still have very little feeling along the scar line and none at all in the middle around my bellybutton area.

If I am feeling braver soon, I'll get someone to do a body shot... hummm not too soon though...

A year on from THAT Wedding

A year ago I went to a wedding and began to pour out my fears, insecurities and sadness as a reaction to my perception of what I looked like. I'd done years of self development, courses, training and coaching in an attempt to be at peace with the way I looked and was....it never really truly worked. I grew more unhappy and more withdrawn.

Despite having gone to the hairdresser, had money thrown at me by my family to buy whatever I wanted to wear , had the whole beauty treatment done with nails etc, I felt fat, frumpy and very unattractive. I begrudgingly stood in for photos and hid at the back where I could. I escaped much of the reception as I didn't feel comfortable eating or drinking with others, nor did I want to get on the dance floor or talk to anyone. I hid in my room and cried and hated myself and what I was.

I sit here now - a year on - thereabouts in any case. Unbelievably, I have just come back from another wedding. What a complete change and difference. I rock and rolled on the dancefloor with my cousin, I danced by myself and anyone else who would get up there. We line danced, pole danced, barefoot danced, sang and generally made too much noise and had a lot of fun.

Just after midnight, I even contemplated going skinny dipping in the pool... and I hadn't drunk much at all ( a few glasses of champers which had by that time worn off) I was simply high on fun and life.

I can't put a price on that confidence. I know I still have a long way to go....and will be working on this every day. I also know that I would not be in this frame of mind or position if I had just gone down the track of intensive gym membership...

Six months on

I will write a big reflective piece in July - 1 year on from the surgery - but heres my thoughts 6 months afterwards.
yes - it was worth it - what price do you put on your life? your joy? your confidence? I truly believe I was given 10 years wind back of the clock.

Pain? after the surgery I had access to the best pain relief ever - and could have had as much as I liked for longer than I did. The staff were brilliant, kind, understanding and supportive. I will never regret going where I did or doing what I did.

The effect? - brilliant!! love love love it. to be picky though - my belly button is skew wiff and I am lopsided a little on the stomack area. However I have quite a few pounds to shed before I can really assess if its just me or the surgery....

Afterwards - my stitches are all but gone - the lines are distinctive - but those who see them in the intimate places they are in have no business commenting...

Recovery - I thought I could do more than I can and put my recovery back a bit by overdoing it all... I am ready now to get back into my dancing and marital arts classes. In saying that - especially around my stomach area it is still senseless.I've been to accupuncture a few times and that seemed to work a bit on regaining sense in the area.

to sum up. I completely love my perky breasts and love the fact I can walk around with no bra - despite the size and not worry about droop. I feel so much more confident and able to cope with more.

The surgery has given me a new lease on life and a confidence I would never have been able to recapture. Its all fine and well to say - just go to the gym or get a personal trainer and you will lose weight and then you'll feel confident. Perhaps that works for other people. It didnt; for me. I just got despondent and hungry, bitter and depressed.

One thing I will say though. Other people don't notice what you look like.. really. its both comforting and depressing.

I have been up and down with my eating plan since the surgery and so far have lost 27 kgs. Christmas season and family holiday will not and has not assisted -but I also made the decision not to get stressed about it and eat what and when I wanted... and guess what? I went mad for a day... and then got back onto sensible eating.

Given this though - I've seen alot of my family and far flung friends lately... who have not know what I have been through - or even that I have been to hospital or had surgery... and hardly anyone has commented. not said a word - not - wow you look nice today - or you look great.....

27 kgs .. far out - thats a fair amount - but obviously not enough to make me look any different to what they percieved me to look in their minds eye. ... now that is depressing...

the take away from this though - for you - my reader... don't do this for anyone but you... becasue no-one else will notice .. only you..... do it for you.

Dietgirl's Greatest Tips to Lose Weight

I literally stumbled across this site whilst looking for something completely different. I have copy and pasted her tips directly here and give full credit to the author, Shauna Reid.

Please do pop over to her site as she has written what looks to be an outstanding book and runs a great looking forum.

by Shauna Reid

1. Begin with the big picture. Write down your goals and be specific. What do you want to change? Where do you want to be a year from now?
2. Then focus on the details. Every day we make dozens of tiny decisions that can spell the difference between whether we lose weight or gain. Do you pick the muesli for breakfast or the chocolate muffin? Do you spend twenty minutes on the couch or twenty minutes on a brisk walk? Small changes can add up to huge results.
3. Start exercising no matter what your fitness level. At 25 stone I could only shuffle to the end of the street, but I gradually built up to the whole block. Within a couple of years I was running!
4. Eat breakfast. A wholesome breakfast makes me feel smug, satisfied and determined to stay on track all day. My favourite is porridge, livened up with grated apple and cinnamon, or chopped banana and teaspoon of peanut butter.
5. Be kind to yourself and your body. You don’t have to look in the mirror and chant, “I love me! I am beautiful!” but at the same time yelling at your thighs won’t encourage your weight loss efforts.
6. Make your treats miniature. Instead of banning puddings, I choose smaller portions – like an apple crumble baked in a ramekin dish or a small bar of Green and Blacks chocolate. I get my sugar hit without dangerous leftovers!
7. Lift weights. It won’t make you bigger – it’ll make you svelte and strong! If you’re worried about loose skin, resistance training is the best thing you can do to tone your body as you lose weight.
8. Planning is crucial. Every Saturday I take ten minutes to plan our meals for the coming week. I choose from a list of 25 easy, tried-and-true recipes, so it’s quicker to cook than phone for a takeaway.
9. Buy your groceries online. It saves time and you’re not tempted by all the sights and smells of the supermarket. Or tortured by your screaming children.
10. Feel your emotions, don’t feed them. In times of stress it’s tempting to bury your feelings in cake – better to feel bad about binging than tackle the real issue! But try to find non-edible ways of coping – I highly recommend kickboxing classes.
11. Go Greek. If you’re a cream or sour cream fiend, 0% or 2% Greek yogurt is an excellent substitute. Dollop into meringue nests and top with fresh fruit. Splodge onto a bowl of chilli. Swirl into butternut squash soup.
12. The best exercise is the one you enjoy. So what if your best friend swears by aerobics at dawn? If you’re a shift worker or just plain grumpy in the morning, this will never suit you. Choose an exercise you like and do it when it’s most convenient for you – this way you’ll stick with it.
13. Stock your office pantry. I can ignore the vending machine when I’ve got half an orchard sitting on my desk and a drawer full of oatcakes, nuts and seeds.
14. Have a cuppa. When hunger strikes and it’s not meal time, I make a cup of tea. This gives me time to figure out if I’m really hungry or if I’m just bored or cranky. Herbal tea is great – experiment until you find one that doesn’t taste like grass clippings!
15. Have a moan. Losing weight isn’t easy, but you don’t have to feel alone in the struggle. Start a blog or speak up on the WLR forums. Remember, we’re all in this lardy boat together!
16. Put the scales in perspective. Don’t fret over small fluctuations – focus on all the healthy things you’ve been doing for your body. Get out the tape measure or have a pair of “measurement jeans”, so you’re not dependent on the scales for feedback.
17. Be adaptable. Make your plans to lose weight fit around your life, not the other way around. Sometimes circumstances will change – a new job, a family crisis, moving house – and suddenly your usual routine doesn’t work. The trick is to be flexible and know when it’s time to tweak your methods.
18. Set a non-scale goal. Why not train for a charity 5k race or challenge yourself to do ten push-ups? Focusing on fitness means I don’t fret about the numbers so much. And all those endorphins make me feel less inclined to go on a chocolate bender.
19. Accept that sometimes it’s going to suck. Despite your best intentions, there will be days when you fall into a bag of crisps. But long-term success is about persistence, not perfection. It’s picking yourself up when you fall, over and over again.
20. Don’t wait to be “skinny” to start living your life. If you have dreams of travelling or writing a book or learning to scuba dive, don’t think you need a smaller bum before you deserve them. Your life is happening right now – so forget about your wobbly bits and jump right in.

Plateaus and Hill tops

I know that there will be times I will plateau with my weight loss but I have been so motivated and seen the results every few days, I started to think that it won't happen to me....sigh

I can put it down to a few things - I spent two weeks with family on holiday - just casual - but I let my hair down a bit - ate at every meal, had alcohol and even indulged in some chocolate - but nothing too outrageous or ridiculous.... and I put on 3 kg.. I nearly died when I saw the scales.

Have been able to shed 2 of those but now on a plateau and its so hard not to jump on and off the scales to check .. like every meal time.. I am trying really hard not to be obsessed... but I have the fear of going back - of being really fat again.

I have upped my activity levels and going to two classes a week as well as 20 mins of wii fit a day... writing this I know its not really enough... damn it..sigh....

I wore a bikini today

I wore a bikini today at the beach.

For some people this is a very boring experience and perhaps others may think.. umm so what??

.. the last time I was in a bikini was when I was 8 years old and I have never owned one as an adult. I generally get out into the water with more material on than an Iranian lass in a birker.

I have to admit for the first few moments – especially when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I thought what on earth possessed you to not only buy a bikini – but to now wear one in public?

When I first got out of hospital and the bandages taken off, I stared in wonderment at my new shape and cried. I never thought I’d have the opportunity to see anything that resembled a flattened tummy again. Although I have a rounded tummy still, it basically goes straight down – no floppy bits – no folds or flap overs. I also understand that I need to lose weight and get my tummy muscles into shape in order to have a much tighter and flatter stomach line.

With this in mind – I strode out into the waterside, head held high.
I am wearing a bikini.

I may still have a rounded tummy and love handles at the side – but I am wearing a bikini. That is such a strong statement of self confidence, I am still in awe.

Just thought I’d share that one…