The perfect weight.

I have been surfing about the be squillion blogs out there which focus on weight and dieting and it is starting to really depress me. There are many that take photos of the scales as they stand on them – like you have got to be kidding – now way for one am I going near that evil machine – it hates me – and two – it is smart little thing that remembers your weight – and then goes and tiddle tats to your husband who says things like – “I see my assets are growing.” All in a loving and joking manner.. but still highlighting that all in not right in the world.

The irony is that I am happy – well most of the time. I know I am fat, but I am happy and most of the time I think I look ok or even quite nice. I make an effort with makeup and dressing, underwear that matches and even lingerie. I am happy when I don’t think about it or accidentally catch a sidewards glance of myself in the mirror. Then I catch a glimpse of another reality and I sigh wondering how a different life may have been if I was thinner somehow.

I think for people who are overweight the enormity of the task ahead is just so great – so overwhelming that is simply isn’t an option to start. I have lost and gained weight over the years – having been on a diet for over 25 years now – well on and off….. and the crappy thing is when you start to lose weight and are really chuffed at how you are going – some idiot makes a sideways comment – or a well meaning relative says something like – oh you have such a pretty face, it’s a pity you can’t lose weight – and you may have lost heaps already! Makes me just head to the dessert buffet and think sod it – its just not worth the denial, pain, suffering and anxiety of counting calories, ensuring your heartbeat is over a certain level for a certain time and organizing your life around personal trainers and the gym – who are full of know it all skinny wenches in skin tight matching outfits who I am sure are paid to hang out there to make you feel bad about your baggy tshirt and sagging sweatpants. I did go and try and buy some groovy gym gear once – but apparently you can’t get anything remotely fashionable or nice unless you are a size 14 – like – if I was a size 14 I wouldn’t be bothering to go to the gym.. hello?!

So what is the perfect weight? If you're choosing your target number based on a picture of bikini-clad super model taped to your refrigerator door, or on a yellowing photograph of yourself in your wedding dress from three decades ago, your goal-weight expectations might be a tad unrealistic. Times, and "ideal weight" guidelines, have definitely changed. If your notion of what your body size should be is based on what you see on the TV screen or in the pages of fashion magazines, you are definitely dooming yourself to failure. The fact is, most of us don't look like actresses or models, and to attempt to make our bodies match theirs is unnecessarily punishing, if not impossible. They have full time chefs, nannies and personal trainers, live in a bubble of unreality totally detached from mortgages and the rising cost of petrol. Besides – you are a different person now than that idealistic lass in the white frock and supermodels now days are usually 12 years old and very unlikely to be able to spell ‘birth” much less done it.

Sigh…. All the reading I do keeps harping on about how you feel within yourself is the best weight. Maybe if I banned any reflective surface I might be ok with this?

Thats me in the corner...

“That’s me in the corner,
That’s me in the spotlight,
I’m losing my religion”

- REM-

Its not so much my religion that I have lost - its me - all of me. I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror. In fact so disgusted by the image, I rush past them. If putting on makeup -I obviously have to look - but try not to allow my eyes to stray down further than my neck... and I certainly don't get naked in front of a mirror.

So, thats me. In the corner - here now with a blog - in the spotlight. So here it is my thoughts and fear - all logged and in black and white. share my journey as I just let flow and let go.

I don't remember ever being slim or normal looking - though looking back on photos I see a healthy looking child and teenager, with a pretty, sad face.

I have been on some sort of diet now for over 25 years. 25 years! Deprivation, guilt, self hatred, disgust, comparing myself to others, to models, to superstars. You name it - I have probably tried it. From calorie counting, weight watchers, meals that get delivered, prescribed drugs, starvation, raw food, pritikin, atkins, the cabbage soup diet and just before I got married - the 5 apples and 5 cups of black coffee a day diet for 3 months. ( it worked, until I ate at the wedding and over our honeymoon)

So its been a struggle, squeezing into stuff that doesn't fit or hiding in huge roomy tents. Going to the gym, getting personal trainers, joining dance classes and doing the whole going for a walk or a run. I hate exercise, I hate team sports and I especially loathe personal trainers with thier perfect white teeth and cheery disposition.

And its not like I have a bad diet. I should drink more water - I drink about a litre a day ( pure water) I eat only organic fruit and veges - and a good variety of them, I eat mainly organic meat maybe one serve a day. But I drink too much coffee ( only organic fresh stuff though - not gross instant) and I don't eat breakfast ( gross - nothing before about 11 thanks) and I have been known to scoff an entire block of chocolate whilst writing and then wonder where it went; blaming my kids for stealing it.

anyway this is me - right here, right now.. I am going to blog at least once a week on how I am going on my journey to self acceptance, loving who I am as I am as I really don't think I am ever going to be that thin girl.....