Saced and Selfish

My intention for the next 30 days is to record each day feelings and thoughts as I head towards possibly the most scary selfish thing I have ever decided to do.

Selfish in that I don’t normally spend money on myself – I hate to shop – especially for clothes – but that is all wound up with the self image thing and self worth issues I have.

Selfish as in the surgery carries many dangers and risks. There is the possibility that I might die on the table. I have two surgeries planned – a day apart from the other and there is ‘a lot’ of work to be done. The risks are 1 in 100 000 – where as dying in a car crash is 8 in 100 000 ( got that from a website on dangers) I am selfish in that I have two very beautiful and loving kids who need me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am and is struggling to understand why this is important to me at all. Selfish as I see the tears in his eyes every time we talk about it. Its cutting me up and am on the verge of saying no I won’t do it. But he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy and can see my mind is set on doing this.

I am selfish enough to risk my life, to die, to chase this dream. That’s pretty damned terrifying.

I am selfish as I am using a great big chunk of money which sensibly should be used to buy us a new car – our current one is just about dead, but a new stove – two of our burners have not worked for 6 months, pay down our debts and house mortgage… especially with the current economic climate – who knows who will have jobs by the end of the month? So selfish, the worst I have ever been and yet,,, I still am committed.

Its scary. Going to a hospital for one thing. I am not fazed at all by getting on an airplane and flying several hours alone. I am really happy with the level of information given to me and the other peoples testimonies.

I’m scared that I am not ready – that I am too fat, not the right candidate for this sort of procedure – that the doctors will tell me to go away and lose weight before I come back. I’ve done a bunch of research on liposuction particularly and shake my head – its best for people who are 10% over their normal weight – WHAT? If I was 10% over my ideal weight who would CARE?

In short – today I am scared. Its now less than 30 days before I get on the plane- having said goodbye to my kids and hubby – and he wondering if he’ll ever see me again.