Be Yourself.. but who are you?

“Be yourself – Everyone else is taken.”


I can’t remember where I saw this written – but its been a scribbled note in my purse and in my organizer for years.

It doesn’t matter how may courses or workshops, seminars, books I have read or retreats I attend, I manage to find a way to hide the truth deep inside and am so well versed with protective lies, that its hard to strike the truth. If anything – going to these things just better equips me with more mumbo jumbo crap to layer around me.

I went to a workshop with women only and went in with the intention of stripping away all the layers, the practiced phrases and pretenses and just be, just experience and be myself. The old chestnut – who are you came up. I am a liar, I am a fake, I am a bloody good one. The facilitator seemed to want to know where this was coming from – if I knew it or felt it – I both know and feel it and then went on about living in your head and not in your heart etc.. yeah yeah – like I understand that, I appreciate that I have a propensity in living in my head – but I feel I have easy access to my heart as well and can snap into that at any given moment.

So – be yourself. Who are you? Again – such a practiced actress such as myself, I am able to keep this conversation and communication up for much longer than most facilitators allow the time. Most people cannot get past a few moments without repeating themselves or going blank.. and there is is the fake. So practiced at this – It doesn’t strip anything down – just gleams the veneer up again.

I saw some photos someone had taken of me and posted on facebook I must have such a huge ego, such a big view of myself. I hated them. I hate most photos- but the candid ones were awful It was like I was looking at a parody – a character – who was that old obese woman with the double chins, that dreadful gut, the hair like some mad womans breakfast?

I am really struggling here – to be happy in the skin and space I am in at the moment. I want to just hide from the world, to close the doors and not to come out, to wear kaftans and sit in the bath all day.

Don’t have any other words at the moment.