A little Nip and Tuck

A good friend of mine had the lap band operation a number of months ago. She has lost nearly 30kg and I have got to say – she looks amazing. She sheepishly came over the other day bearing gifts of her old ‘fat clothes’. She said she wasn’t going to give them to me but at the last moment brought them over – she didn’t want me to feel bad.

I nearly chocked laughing. First – wow – what a gift to be given a huge amount of her clothes – all really nice stuff and in MY SIZE!!! Whoo hoooo! and secondly – what sort of message is her fear? That she didn’t want to admit to me that I was fat? Umm I kinda know – I have a mirror.. that she is now better than me? Again – negative – she is doing her thing and I am so supportive and delighted for her.

I was so happy going through the large bag of clothes – I have never been much of a clothes horse myself – I hve always been a bigger person – and have always struggled to find anything that fits. Going to a charity store is the highlight for me – and I have become handy with creative alterations. This has given me fairly low range of colour and fashion choices – so I tend to hang out in black – which was good when I went through my gothic phase. Now I just look like an Italian widow.

I now own ( count them) 7 pairs of jeans.. wow – I have only ever had at most 2! She has a great style – very romantic and medieval – so that really suits my style too – I am loving the flowing tops with long droopy sleeve look.

Its all been about lack for me- I don’t spend money on myself or to buy clothes and worry and fret if I have to go and buy new underwear! I don’t tend to have many new clothes in my wardrobe and if I can admit this – I have some things in there that are 20 years old ( humm – might be back in fashion again!)

Anyway – getting back to my friend – She was very sensible about the whole operation and did a lot of research on it. She is aware that this is a life time commitment and he can never eat food again – not drink a lot of fluids at one time ( so out goes cocktail nights and drinking sessions) She is able to eat only mushed up foods – like baby food and only a very small amount of it.

I do actually long to lose weight – so that I too can walk proudly into any store and grab something off the rack, try it on and it fits! I don’t know if I would be prepared to go to this length though. I have to admit that I like eating, I love the taste, the feel and sensation of food. Though again – in saying that – I am sensible with my choices of food – no junk food, little processed stuff; all organic fruits and veges and good variety of proteins other than meat. I have to admit that it’s the quantity. Is this operation the one for me then? Would it really help me?

This girlfriend is planning to go to Thailand to get her bits nipped and tucked. With so much weight loss, she is complaining that all her bits are saggy. I started to look into websites and companies who offer this service – firstly out of curiosity then as a bit of a mission. The cost of some of these cosmetic surgeries is over half what it is in Australia – and that is with your accommodation as well! We aren’t talking shabby rooms either – 5 star resorts where you just hang out to recuperate and heal before you get on a plane back to home and work or family.

I haven’t had a specific quote for me done – but I am seriously thinking about it – I mean – just get the quote – at least I’d know then. To dream perhaps. To work a way to earn or generate that cash. Is it ok to get surgery done? I don’t even think I care if I have scars everywhere afterwards – how bad is that? What if I went and they said – sorry you are too fat to have surgery? How bad would that be?

Its been a big barrier for me – my weight – an insurmountable wall I cannot seem to break through, climb over or dissolve. Its one thing to say – I am fine with where I am, but another thing to think there is a glimmer of looking normal, of fitting in of being proud of my figure and of seeing the look on your partners eyes.

I am ‘fine’ with were I am at the moment – really – most days I don’t think about what might be or what I could be if I were skinnier. With every challenge I jump boots and all and don’t allow much to stand in my way. There are other days that I just hid in the house and plan to stay there forever – I am so disgusted with my appearance. It’s the momentary glimpses into the mirror that take me by surprise – the ones where you cannot believe that it is you staring back at you – ugly, fat and completely unnnatractive. It is these days that the credit card needs to be hidden and the brochures from Thailand be stored in a far away place.

Yeah – you are right.. I’m not ‘fine’.

I'm a Barbie Girl

This is from an ad campagn run by the Body Shop. cool huh?

I am not a big fan of Barbies. I know – they are only the worlds most popular doll. Though I have to admit - my loathing for her has been replaced by those dreadful tweeny dolls the Bratz. Someone gave my daughter ( aged 3) one of them.. It sadly got lost – packaging and all as soon as the party was over.

Coming back to Barbie though – she has been the icon for girls for nearly 50 years – it still doesn’t make her right – but its interesting to see what started her off…

So heres a bit of history about Barbie. She was based on a European sex doll called Lilli. The Bild Lilli Doll was a German fashion doll produced from 1955 to 1964, based on the comic-strip character Lilli.. She was originally marketed to adults in bars and tobacco shops as a joke or gag gift. Many parents considered her not appropriate for children – so the Lilli doll didn’t make it big in Europe.

Ruth Handler – the wife of the president of Mattel in the 50s one bought some of the Lilli dolls when she was on a trip to Europe and then reworked the design of the doll and re-named her Barbie. At the time there were only baby dolls for children to play with and she had noticed that her daughter was role playing games with her dolls in adult settings – i.e shopping, cooking parties – so believed that their aught to be a doll that could handle this social pressure!

Lilli the cartoon - was post-war, sassy and ambitious and had no reservations talking about sex. As she had her own job she earned her own money as a secretary but wasn't above hanging out with rich men ("I could do without balding old men but my budget couldn't!"). The cartoon always consisted of a picture of Lilli talking to girlfriends, boyfriends, her boss ("As you were angry when I was late this morning I will leave the office at five p.m. sharp!"). The quips underneath the cartoons handled topics ranging from fashion (to a policeman who told her that two-piece-swimsuits are banned: "Which piece do you want me to take off?"), politics ("Of course I'm interested in politics; no one should ignore the way some politicians dress!") and even the beauty of nature ("The sunrise is so beautiful that I always stay late at the nightclub to see it!"). She was always very well dressed and discreet and became a fashion doll.

Deep dark secret here – I was always envious of my cousin who at that time owned every Barbie and accessory that had been produced. We are talking ummm 30 years ago ( a bit more maybe?) – but it still amounted to a very impressive bedroom full of Barbie dolls.

Which brings me to where I actually wanted to go from the start. My daughter – 3 – now owns several Barbies – given to her or somehow bred in the depths of depravity in her lower bunk… we were sitting at the shopping centre today and some teenage girls walked past. Little darling chimes up –“ look mummy – three Barbie dolls – but they are real!”

I can’t deny that she loves those dolls and spends hours dressing and undressing, role playing and carrying them round. My concern – and I am sure that it echos many parents – is that her expectations of body image as she grows into a woman. If Barbie was a real size she would have a 40" bust, a 22" waist and 36" hips. Her neck is TWICE the length of a normal human's neck! I can only think of one woman with a neck that long and it was natural – and of course it was the gorgeous Audrey Hepburn.

And of course secretly – thinking I am doing my daughter a disservice as I am not a Barbie – no groovy tight fitting clothes or mini skirts here – def not a ‘yummy mummy”. I don’t want my bad body image to rub off on her – to have her have all my hang ups. Urgg… My son is so sweet and loves to give me cuddles and wraps his arms around my tummy – saying I love your fat tummy mummy.. errrmm.. well what does one say to that?

Thanks…I guess...

Be Yourself.. but who are you?

“Be yourself – Everyone else is taken.”


I can’t remember where I saw this written – but its been a scribbled note in my purse and in my organizer for years.

It doesn’t matter how may courses or workshops, seminars, books I have read or retreats I attend, I manage to find a way to hide the truth deep inside and am so well versed with protective lies, that its hard to strike the truth. If anything – going to these things just better equips me with more mumbo jumbo crap to layer around me.

I went to a workshop with women only and went in with the intention of stripping away all the layers, the practiced phrases and pretenses and just be, just experience and be myself. The old chestnut – who are you came up. I am a liar, I am a fake, I am a bloody good one. The facilitator seemed to want to know where this was coming from – if I knew it or felt it – I both know and feel it and then went on about living in your head and not in your heart etc.. yeah yeah – like I understand that, I appreciate that I have a propensity in living in my head – but I feel I have easy access to my heart as well and can snap into that at any given moment.

So – be yourself. Who are you? Again – such a practiced actress such as myself, I am able to keep this conversation and communication up for much longer than most facilitators allow the time. Most people cannot get past a few moments without repeating themselves or going blank.. and there is is the fake. So practiced at this – It doesn’t strip anything down – just gleams the veneer up again.

I saw some photos someone had taken of me and posted on facebook I must have such a huge ego, such a big view of myself. I hated them. I hate most photos- but the candid ones were awful It was like I was looking at a parody – a character – who was that old obese woman with the double chins, that dreadful gut, the hair like some mad womans breakfast?

I am really struggling here – to be happy in the skin and space I am in at the moment. I want to just hide from the world, to close the doors and not to come out, to wear kaftans and sit in the bath all day.

Don’t have any other words at the moment.