Thats me in the corner...

“That’s me in the corner,
That’s me in the spotlight,
I’m losing my religion”

- REM-

Its not so much my religion that I have lost - its me - all of me. I don't recognise the person I see in the mirror. In fact so disgusted by the image, I rush past them. If putting on makeup -I obviously have to look - but try not to allow my eyes to stray down further than my neck... and I certainly don't get naked in front of a mirror.

So, thats me. In the corner - here now with a blog - in the spotlight. So here it is my thoughts and fear - all logged and in black and white. share my journey as I just let flow and let go.

I don't remember ever being slim or normal looking - though looking back on photos I see a healthy looking child and teenager, with a pretty, sad face.

I have been on some sort of diet now for over 25 years. 25 years! Deprivation, guilt, self hatred, disgust, comparing myself to others, to models, to superstars. You name it - I have probably tried it. From calorie counting, weight watchers, meals that get delivered, prescribed drugs, starvation, raw food, pritikin, atkins, the cabbage soup diet and just before I got married - the 5 apples and 5 cups of black coffee a day diet for 3 months. ( it worked, until I ate at the wedding and over our honeymoon)

So its been a struggle, squeezing into stuff that doesn't fit or hiding in huge roomy tents. Going to the gym, getting personal trainers, joining dance classes and doing the whole going for a walk or a run. I hate exercise, I hate team sports and I especially loathe personal trainers with thier perfect white teeth and cheery disposition.

And its not like I have a bad diet. I should drink more water - I drink about a litre a day ( pure water) I eat only organic fruit and veges - and a good variety of them, I eat mainly organic meat maybe one serve a day. But I drink too much coffee ( only organic fresh stuff though - not gross instant) and I don't eat breakfast ( gross - nothing before about 11 thanks) and I have been known to scoff an entire block of chocolate whilst writing and then wonder where it went; blaming my kids for stealing it.

anyway this is me - right here, right now.. I am going to blog at least once a week on how I am going on my journey to self acceptance, loving who I am as I am as I really don't think I am ever going to be that thin girl.....