To tell or not to tell

I made a decision a while back - before I went ahead with the surgery - not to tell anyone about it.

There were a few people who, along the course of matter, I could not avoid in saying something, and one friend put a few things together and worked it out.

For those people I entrust a sacred bond and have asked them not to discuss or tell others. Not because I live a lie, not because I am secretive - but because its been a very personal journey for me and one which I would like to share with those who need to know. Its nothing to do with trust or who I "like" more than another person. My decision was mine to make and I believe its mine to then share with those I want to.. and not for it to be openly chatted about.

I was in a lot of personal emotional pain before the surgery and had shut myself away. So afterwards and during my recovery, it was easy to keep away from people and friends. For many I was absent for up to 6 months - so the changes in my body - if they noticed at all - were not of a shock or surprise.

For some friends, I found it very difficult NOT to say anything, but kept my silence. I've always been one to tell friends everything and be very open about stuff.. but for some reason - this decision I made - was for me alone and one I didn't want to share with even the closest friend.

So - if you are wondering - should I tell people or should I not? Whatever surgery you are looking at doing - do it for the right reason - for you.

Ask yourself - what are you going to 'get' out of telling others about your decision?

Will that support you or place negative energy on you?

For me - the judgement and negativity I received from my sisters - people I thought would support and encourage me regardless to what I did, formed the base in which I operated from. I was not ( and still am not) prepared to have to justify my decision - or feel embarrassed or ashamed I 'succumbed' to the beauty myth.

I know I have said this before - but I had massive changes in my body - and not very many people even commented on it. I really don't think many even noticed... which is a big slap in the face - but one that confirms that you need to do this surgery for YOURSELF...

Scars and Stuff

I have been saying I will take a photo of my scaring and publish them - but just haven't. Yes its a bit personal - so no offense is intended and I am certainly not the type to be flashing my bits around normally.

I am publishing these so that anyone who is thinking of doing something similar will be aware of the extent of scaring that can occur. Personally its a very small price to pay. they are in very intimate areas - and anyone who has access to those areas damn well best keep their mouth shut if they don't like the look of them.

I will be pretty open here - so if you're not up for it - click away now.

First - my breasts. There is a little darkening in some areas around the nipples and I have had internal stitches get all festy and lumpy. However - the body just got rid of the foreign objects - so in a gross spurt of goo - bits of stitch were ejected. On the whole though - fantastic - re-attached perfectly..

There are scars from underneath which trace upward to the nipple area. They are fading fast - but won't ever go - but really - small price to pay.


This is a shot of my hip area. My Tummy tuck scar is from hip bone to hip bone. As you can see, its fading fast too. the closer to the middle though - I still have deep bruising. The line is still noticeable - but I really don't care. Its not like I am going to flash it round or go nude anywhere soon.!!

If I go back to Thailand, I will seriously look at getting a tat done all the way across over the line - entwined ivy - like my ankle.

I still have very little feeling along the scar line and none at all in the middle around my bellybutton area.

If I am feeling braver soon, I'll get someone to do a body shot... hummm not too soon though...

A year on from THAT Wedding

A year ago I went to a wedding and began to pour out my fears, insecurities and sadness as a reaction to my perception of what I looked like. I'd done years of self development, courses, training and coaching in an attempt to be at peace with the way I looked and was....it never really truly worked. I grew more unhappy and more withdrawn.

Despite having gone to the hairdresser, had money thrown at me by my family to buy whatever I wanted to wear , had the whole beauty treatment done with nails etc, I felt fat, frumpy and very unattractive. I begrudgingly stood in for photos and hid at the back where I could. I escaped much of the reception as I didn't feel comfortable eating or drinking with others, nor did I want to get on the dance floor or talk to anyone. I hid in my room and cried and hated myself and what I was.

I sit here now - a year on - thereabouts in any case. Unbelievably, I have just come back from another wedding. What a complete change and difference. I rock and rolled on the dancefloor with my cousin, I danced by myself and anyone else who would get up there. We line danced, pole danced, barefoot danced, sang and generally made too much noise and had a lot of fun.

Just after midnight, I even contemplated going skinny dipping in the pool... and I hadn't drunk much at all ( a few glasses of champers which had by that time worn off) I was simply high on fun and life.

I can't put a price on that confidence. I know I still have a long way to go....and will be working on this every day. I also know that I would not be in this frame of mind or position if I had just gone down the track of intensive gym membership...