I have been too afraid to talk about what I am about to undergo with anyone - apart from my partner. Afraid of their reaction, judgment. I went through the whole research stuff last year - but it was pretty much hypothetical... its now less than 2 weeks... here's a you tube basic video of what one of the surgeries I am getting done... and yes - getting some very attractive undergarments to wear for weeks afterwards
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
What would you do if you had less than 25 days to live?
I have to say as the time ticks on I am sacred to freaking death. I go from trying to normalize the whole thing to getting panicy about all the things I haven’t done.
I started looking at all the Christmas presents I have stashed away today. I am a compulsive present buyer – when I see something on sale or perfect for someone , I will buy it and stash it – making Christmas so much more manageable financially and with less stress. I started to think that well – if I am not here – then my family is going to be stuck with a bunch of gifts with no names on them – or worse yet – finding them years later and wondering what to do.
I’ve so many projects I have started and not fully completed – scrap book gift for hubby, photo albums from life overseas – literally hundreds of photos which would be meaningless to anyone else, patchwork and needlepoint, not to mention writing projects and websites I am still fiddling with.
What the hell do you do? Try and finish everything? Go mad with the flurry of activity? Or try and capture some sort of memories with your family, your kids, the people you love? I have been so tetchy lately, and I know horrible to be around – especially for my sweet kids. Probably a combination of the lack of food and stress, hormones – and stress….
What would you do if you had less than 4 weeks of life?
No-one can actually ever tell – the good old bus might mow you down tomorrow. I have attempted to live with little regret, to tell people what I feel about them. I can’t see myself doing a mass mail out of “I love yous” to people. I would hope that if something did happen and I died – that people would know; that they would already have that closure.
What are my regrets? I guess I don’t have long sweeping ones like wasting my life on stuff – they are specific things.
I regret I didn’t insist both my sisters be bridesmaids at my wedding. The material for their dresses still sits in the bottom of my huge material cupboard.
I regret losing touch with my best friend from Uni. We just drifted apart after she was posted up north to teach and married. Different lives, just drifted away. She’s a stranger to me now when we see on another. We used to share everything, know everything about each other, get in and out of the most terrible scrapes and it stabs me in the heart to think it was just.. lost.
I have traveled extensively, experienced life at all angles, had crazy love affairs, dangerous and mad times done extreme adventure pursuits and lived (so far) a pretty outrageous and fortunate life intermixed with incredible crap times and misfortune ( if you could label certain growth periods as misfortune). . I’d be miffed I would have to say – if I never got to see Russia, Turkey or Croatia – we missed them when we lived os.. Hubby was too ill with the treatments for us to get off the beaten track too much by the time we were to see them.
I’d be particularly sad that I wouldn’t be round to help my daughter – who at the age of 4 has the sprit of a tiger and attracts trouble with a giant T. She’s going to need a heap of help as she grows up.
I go between being scared witless to being numb. The worst thing about it all is that I have no-one to share it with. I will tell the story of my family in a post soon.. just have to get the emotional strength to revisit all of that awefulness.
I can’t really let on to my partner – hes being supportive and strong and all that and I see the tears in his eyes and desperation every day – he looks at me as though I am going to die – that he will be waving me off and he’ll never see me again. How can I even say that I am scared to him? We both fall apart? Someone has to remain strong.
I’ve not told any of my friends about what I am going to do. Is it so bad that I feel that they wouldn’t understand? That I think the friendships I have are so shallow or judgmental that they would pass judgments? Its not about them – I know that – its about me and my insecurities. I am so crap at this.
I started looking at all the Christmas presents I have stashed away today. I am a compulsive present buyer – when I see something on sale or perfect for someone , I will buy it and stash it – making Christmas so much more manageable financially and with less stress. I started to think that well – if I am not here – then my family is going to be stuck with a bunch of gifts with no names on them – or worse yet – finding them years later and wondering what to do.
I’ve so many projects I have started and not fully completed – scrap book gift for hubby, photo albums from life overseas – literally hundreds of photos which would be meaningless to anyone else, patchwork and needlepoint, not to mention writing projects and websites I am still fiddling with.
What the hell do you do? Try and finish everything? Go mad with the flurry of activity? Or try and capture some sort of memories with your family, your kids, the people you love? I have been so tetchy lately, and I know horrible to be around – especially for my sweet kids. Probably a combination of the lack of food and stress, hormones – and stress….
What would you do if you had less than 4 weeks of life?
No-one can actually ever tell – the good old bus might mow you down tomorrow. I have attempted to live with little regret, to tell people what I feel about them. I can’t see myself doing a mass mail out of “I love yous” to people. I would hope that if something did happen and I died – that people would know; that they would already have that closure.
What are my regrets? I guess I don’t have long sweeping ones like wasting my life on stuff – they are specific things.
I regret I didn’t insist both my sisters be bridesmaids at my wedding. The material for their dresses still sits in the bottom of my huge material cupboard.
I regret losing touch with my best friend from Uni. We just drifted apart after she was posted up north to teach and married. Different lives, just drifted away. She’s a stranger to me now when we see on another. We used to share everything, know everything about each other, get in and out of the most terrible scrapes and it stabs me in the heart to think it was just.. lost.
I have traveled extensively, experienced life at all angles, had crazy love affairs, dangerous and mad times done extreme adventure pursuits and lived (so far) a pretty outrageous and fortunate life intermixed with incredible crap times and misfortune ( if you could label certain growth periods as misfortune). . I’d be miffed I would have to say – if I never got to see Russia, Turkey or Croatia – we missed them when we lived os.. Hubby was too ill with the treatments for us to get off the beaten track too much by the time we were to see them.
I’d be particularly sad that I wouldn’t be round to help my daughter – who at the age of 4 has the sprit of a tiger and attracts trouble with a giant T. She’s going to need a heap of help as she grows up.
I go between being scared witless to being numb. The worst thing about it all is that I have no-one to share it with. I will tell the story of my family in a post soon.. just have to get the emotional strength to revisit all of that awefulness.
I can’t really let on to my partner – hes being supportive and strong and all that and I see the tears in his eyes and desperation every day – he looks at me as though I am going to die – that he will be waving me off and he’ll never see me again. How can I even say that I am scared to him? We both fall apart? Someone has to remain strong.
I’ve not told any of my friends about what I am going to do. Is it so bad that I feel that they wouldn’t understand? That I think the friendships I have are so shallow or judgmental that they would pass judgments? Its not about them – I know that – its about me and my insecurities. I am so crap at this.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Feeling strong and weak
I still have the guilt of using a huge amount of money which quite possible would be better served elsewhere to benefit the whole family – rather than to satisfy the selfish needs of one person.
However, I’ve not been truly happy for years. I have been hiding away more and more and become more despondent as the years go on with my body image. I have had high points feeling good – but have sunk to great depths too.
I have been unwilling to share what I am about to do with anyone – fearing judgment or being nagged to deviate from my plans. Perhaps tomorrow I might write about what prompted me in to action.
I have moments of feeling really good about what I am going to do – then the doubts if its just a waste of money, if it will work, if I will actually be any different or look any different. It’s a see saw of feeling strong then weak and it pretty much sucks.
However, I’ve not been truly happy for years. I have been hiding away more and more and become more despondent as the years go on with my body image. I have had high points feeling good – but have sunk to great depths too.
I have been unwilling to share what I am about to do with anyone – fearing judgment or being nagged to deviate from my plans. Perhaps tomorrow I might write about what prompted me in to action.
I have moments of feeling really good about what I am going to do – then the doubts if its just a waste of money, if it will work, if I will actually be any different or look any different. It’s a see saw of feeling strong then weak and it pretty much sucks.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Saced and Selfish
My intention for the next 30 days is to record each day feelings and thoughts as I head towards possibly the most scary selfish thing I have ever decided to do.
Selfish in that I don’t normally spend money on myself – I hate to shop – especially for clothes – but that is all wound up with the self image thing and self worth issues I have.
Selfish as in the surgery carries many dangers and risks. There is the possibility that I might die on the table. I have two surgeries planned – a day apart from the other and there is ‘a lot’ of work to be done. The risks are 1 in 100 000 – where as dying in a car crash is 8 in 100 000 ( got that from a website on dangers) I am selfish in that I have two very beautiful and loving kids who need me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am and is struggling to understand why this is important to me at all. Selfish as I see the tears in his eyes every time we talk about it. Its cutting me up and am on the verge of saying no I won’t do it. But he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy and can see my mind is set on doing this.
I am selfish enough to risk my life, to die, to chase this dream. That’s pretty damned terrifying.
I am selfish as I am using a great big chunk of money which sensibly should be used to buy us a new car – our current one is just about dead, but a new stove – two of our burners have not worked for 6 months, pay down our debts and house mortgage… especially with the current economic climate – who knows who will have jobs by the end of the month? So selfish, the worst I have ever been and yet,,, I still am committed.
Its scary. Going to a hospital for one thing. I am not fazed at all by getting on an airplane and flying several hours alone. I am really happy with the level of information given to me and the other peoples testimonies.
I’m scared that I am not ready – that I am too fat, not the right candidate for this sort of procedure – that the doctors will tell me to go away and lose weight before I come back. I’ve done a bunch of research on liposuction particularly and shake my head – its best for people who are 10% over their normal weight – WHAT? If I was 10% over my ideal weight who would CARE?
In short – today I am scared. Its now less than 30 days before I get on the plane- having said goodbye to my kids and hubby – and he wondering if he’ll ever see me again.
Selfish in that I don’t normally spend money on myself – I hate to shop – especially for clothes – but that is all wound up with the self image thing and self worth issues I have.
Selfish as in the surgery carries many dangers and risks. There is the possibility that I might die on the table. I have two surgeries planned – a day apart from the other and there is ‘a lot’ of work to be done. The risks are 1 in 100 000 – where as dying in a car crash is 8 in 100 000 ( got that from a website on dangers) I am selfish in that I have two very beautiful and loving kids who need me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am and is struggling to understand why this is important to me at all. Selfish as I see the tears in his eyes every time we talk about it. Its cutting me up and am on the verge of saying no I won’t do it. But he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy and can see my mind is set on doing this.
I am selfish enough to risk my life, to die, to chase this dream. That’s pretty damned terrifying.
I am selfish as I am using a great big chunk of money which sensibly should be used to buy us a new car – our current one is just about dead, but a new stove – two of our burners have not worked for 6 months, pay down our debts and house mortgage… especially with the current economic climate – who knows who will have jobs by the end of the month? So selfish, the worst I have ever been and yet,,, I still am committed.
Its scary. Going to a hospital for one thing. I am not fazed at all by getting on an airplane and flying several hours alone. I am really happy with the level of information given to me and the other peoples testimonies.
I’m scared that I am not ready – that I am too fat, not the right candidate for this sort of procedure – that the doctors will tell me to go away and lose weight before I come back. I’ve done a bunch of research on liposuction particularly and shake my head – its best for people who are 10% over their normal weight – WHAT? If I was 10% over my ideal weight who would CARE?
In short – today I am scared. Its now less than 30 days before I get on the plane- having said goodbye to my kids and hubby – and he wondering if he’ll ever see me again.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Abdominoplasty or the Tummy Tuck
In addition to the Liposuction I am best to have a tummy tuck..
"Abdominoplasties are particularly useful for women who have had a number of children and consequently stretched their abdominal muscles past point of no return and build up of extra skin around the middle which creates unsightly and unattractive folds that exercise and diet cannot reduce." - yup thats me... no return....
How the Abdominoplasty surgery is performed
The entire tummy tuck procedure takes on average two to five hours depending on the nature of the procedure.
The procedure begins with a long incision across the hipbone immediately above the pubic area. Surgeons then make another cut to remove the belly button from the original tissue in order to transplant it back when the procedure is complete.
The skin is then separated from the lower torso from the pubic area to the ribcage, revealing the muscles underneath. These muscles are then stitched together forcing them to conform to their new position, creating a more toned and defined waistline. The skin is then stretched down to the area of the initial incision, sutured together, and any skin that remains is surgically removed. A new cut is made for the navel and gauze, bandages, and a temporary tube to drain away any excess fluid are added to finish up the surgery.
Circumferential Abdominoplasty
When patients desire a more defined waistline that extends beyond the front portion of their abdomen they often require the complex procedure called Circumferential Abdominoplasty. Rather than merely concentrate on sculpting and shaping the front part of the stomach as common tummy tucks achieve, circumferential abdominoplasty takes into account the entire middle portion of the body.
Most people who elect this procedure have localized fat deposits and or disproportional fat distribution that affect the way they look, feel, and act. Although the scarring from this surgery is usually far more extensive than less invasive procedures, many patients feel it is an equitable trade off to achieve the look they desire.
"Abdominoplasties are particularly useful for women who have had a number of children and consequently stretched their abdominal muscles past point of no return and build up of extra skin around the middle which creates unsightly and unattractive folds that exercise and diet cannot reduce." - yup thats me... no return....
How the Abdominoplasty surgery is performed
The entire tummy tuck procedure takes on average two to five hours depending on the nature of the procedure.
The procedure begins with a long incision across the hipbone immediately above the pubic area. Surgeons then make another cut to remove the belly button from the original tissue in order to transplant it back when the procedure is complete.
The skin is then separated from the lower torso from the pubic area to the ribcage, revealing the muscles underneath. These muscles are then stitched together forcing them to conform to their new position, creating a more toned and defined waistline. The skin is then stretched down to the area of the initial incision, sutured together, and any skin that remains is surgically removed. A new cut is made for the navel and gauze, bandages, and a temporary tube to drain away any excess fluid are added to finish up the surgery.
Circumferential Abdominoplasty
When patients desire a more defined waistline that extends beyond the front portion of their abdomen they often require the complex procedure called Circumferential Abdominoplasty. Rather than merely concentrate on sculpting and shaping the front part of the stomach as common tummy tucks achieve, circumferential abdominoplasty takes into account the entire middle portion of the body.
Most people who elect this procedure have localized fat deposits and or disproportional fat distribution that affect the way they look, feel, and act. Although the scarring from this surgery is usually far more extensive than less invasive procedures, many patients feel it is an equitable trade off to achieve the look they desire.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The Dangers of Liposuction
The dangers of liposuction are sometimes overlooked when the lure of a more shaply figure is within reach. Imagine having trimmer tummy and slimmer thighs - but without months of lettuce leaves? I have been doing heaps of research and am scared as hell... but here goes....
Some of the possible side effects of this procedure are bruising, swelling, temporary numbness and discomfort in the surgically treated area. There is a possibility of serious complications such as blood clots, infection or allergic reactions if the procedure is not performed by an experienced plastic surgeon.
The dangers of liposuction increase in proportion to the amount of fat removed. The risks and dangers of liposuction are increased if the large area is to be treated. There is also a chance that vital organs can be perforated or injured. Other dangers of liposuction can occur during the recovery process, in which the patient can incur infection or have unfavorable drug reactions.
Liposuction removes excess fat from specific areas of the body to improve its shape and contours. A blunt tube similar to a straw is inserted through tiny incisions in the skin. A suction pump is connected to the tube, which is moved in a side-to-side motion, vacuuming out the excess fat.
Large amounts of fluid containing diluted lidocaine for local anesthesia and epinephrine to reduce bleeding are gently pumped into the fatty layer through tiny needle holes in the skin until it is swollen or tumescent. As a result of the blood vessel constriction from the epinephrine in the anesthetic solution, there is very minimal bleeding during and after surgery. The average blood loss is just about a tablespoon, less than is often taken for blood tests so there is no need for blood transfusions.
The swelling of the fatty layer makes it easier to remove the unwanted fat, greatly reduces bleeding and results in numbness that lasts up to 24 hours. This numbness allows the procedure to be done without the need for general anesthesia and greatly reduces postoperative discomfort. Usually light oral sedation is used to make the injection of the fluid comfortable.
The biggest dangers of liposuction procedures have been related to three factors: the risks associated with general anesthesia and sedation, risks associated with blood loss and fluid replacement, and risks associated with excessive liposuction. These dangers of liposuction are reduced or eliminated by adhering to the tumescent technique.
The drugs used for general anesthesia are relatively more dangerous than those used for local anesthesia. The dangers of liposuction associated with these medicines, including respiratory arrest and allergic reactions, are eliminated by not using them. Local anesthesia is considerably safer, and tumescent liposuction provides better comfort requiring only Tylenol for pain relief during healing.
Using the tumescent technique eliminates the risks associated with substantial blood loss during traditional liposuction. Although the limit of fat removal for one session is ten pounds, the greater the amount of fat taken out can increase the dangers of liposuction. The less fat removed in any one surgery needs to be strictly limited for safety's sake. Liposuction is not appropriate for everyone.
Some of the possible side effects of this procedure are bruising, swelling, temporary numbness and discomfort in the surgically treated area. There is a possibility of serious complications such as blood clots, infection or allergic reactions if the procedure is not performed by an experienced plastic surgeon.
The dangers of liposuction increase in proportion to the amount of fat removed. The risks and dangers of liposuction are increased if the large area is to be treated. There is also a chance that vital organs can be perforated or injured. Other dangers of liposuction can occur during the recovery process, in which the patient can incur infection or have unfavorable drug reactions.
Liposuction removes excess fat from specific areas of the body to improve its shape and contours. A blunt tube similar to a straw is inserted through tiny incisions in the skin. A suction pump is connected to the tube, which is moved in a side-to-side motion, vacuuming out the excess fat.
Large amounts of fluid containing diluted lidocaine for local anesthesia and epinephrine to reduce bleeding are gently pumped into the fatty layer through tiny needle holes in the skin until it is swollen or tumescent. As a result of the blood vessel constriction from the epinephrine in the anesthetic solution, there is very minimal bleeding during and after surgery. The average blood loss is just about a tablespoon, less than is often taken for blood tests so there is no need for blood transfusions.
The swelling of the fatty layer makes it easier to remove the unwanted fat, greatly reduces bleeding and results in numbness that lasts up to 24 hours. This numbness allows the procedure to be done without the need for general anesthesia and greatly reduces postoperative discomfort. Usually light oral sedation is used to make the injection of the fluid comfortable.
The biggest dangers of liposuction procedures have been related to three factors: the risks associated with general anesthesia and sedation, risks associated with blood loss and fluid replacement, and risks associated with excessive liposuction. These dangers of liposuction are reduced or eliminated by adhering to the tumescent technique.
The drugs used for general anesthesia are relatively more dangerous than those used for local anesthesia. The dangers of liposuction associated with these medicines, including respiratory arrest and allergic reactions, are eliminated by not using them. Local anesthesia is considerably safer, and tumescent liposuction provides better comfort requiring only Tylenol for pain relief during healing.
Using the tumescent technique eliminates the risks associated with substantial blood loss during traditional liposuction. Although the limit of fat removal for one session is ten pounds, the greater the amount of fat taken out can increase the dangers of liposuction. The less fat removed in any one surgery needs to be strictly limited for safety's sake. Liposuction is not appropriate for everyone.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
QCG - a breath of fresh air to the magazine world
Last night I went to a magazine launch. Sophee the editor has a vision to change the perception of beauty with the media – a huge undertaking and one that needs to be both encouraged and supported.
At first, Sophee had wanted to produce a magazine aimed at her own age group – that of under 25s. She quite rightly believes the body image is influenced almost exclusively through the images young girls receive through the media. Unfortunately, the reception she received about her idea was met with resistance and heavily discouraged.
She turned to her mothers age group –the lady-boomers and found the women over 40 were more comfortable with their bodies, have had enough life experience to realize that beauty radiates from within. Sadly the current models and stars don’t support these undercurrents – Cleo and Cosmo were once bastions of fashion and feminine spirit for the over 30 woman. Nowadays they seem to have been reduced to an audience of under 21s. – at least the articles appear to be written for that age group and the models – well….. I would wonder how many were over 15.
The magazine – QCG – Queensland Calendar Girls will be produced quarterly and will collect inspirational stories of strength and endurance hope and true beauty for the more mature set of women.
Sophees vision is inspiration. As he quoted the wonderful words – be the change you want to see in the world, many of us had to hold back a tear. Follow her on twitter
or check out the website.
Brings me back to my next thought of acceptance for all body types. I am still struggling with the concept and perhaps in a worse place than I have ever been.
I had wanted this blog to be inspirational and full of hope and promise for others and all it has seemed to be is me whining and carrying on about how gross I am. I have not posted for a long time as I felt it was hypocritical of me to do so.
Having forced myself to be sociable and network once again am mortified by the photos of the evening depicting me. I stare and wonder who the fat old chick is and willing her to wake up to herself and get the hell out of the public eye and go and hide back in a cupboard where she belongs.
At first, Sophee had wanted to produce a magazine aimed at her own age group – that of under 25s. She quite rightly believes the body image is influenced almost exclusively through the images young girls receive through the media. Unfortunately, the reception she received about her idea was met with resistance and heavily discouraged.
She turned to her mothers age group –the lady-boomers and found the women over 40 were more comfortable with their bodies, have had enough life experience to realize that beauty radiates from within. Sadly the current models and stars don’t support these undercurrents – Cleo and Cosmo were once bastions of fashion and feminine spirit for the over 30 woman. Nowadays they seem to have been reduced to an audience of under 21s. – at least the articles appear to be written for that age group and the models – well….. I would wonder how many were over 15.
The magazine – QCG – Queensland Calendar Girls will be produced quarterly and will collect inspirational stories of strength and endurance hope and true beauty for the more mature set of women.
Sophees vision is inspiration. As he quoted the wonderful words – be the change you want to see in the world, many of us had to hold back a tear. Follow her on twitter
or check out the website.
Brings me back to my next thought of acceptance for all body types. I am still struggling with the concept and perhaps in a worse place than I have ever been.
I had wanted this blog to be inspirational and full of hope and promise for others and all it has seemed to be is me whining and carrying on about how gross I am. I have not posted for a long time as I felt it was hypocritical of me to do so.
Having forced myself to be sociable and network once again am mortified by the photos of the evening depicting me. I stare and wonder who the fat old chick is and willing her to wake up to herself and get the hell out of the public eye and go and hide back in a cupboard where she belongs.
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