I still have the guilt of using a huge amount of money which quite possible would be better served elsewhere to benefit the whole family – rather than to satisfy the selfish needs of one person.
However, I’ve not been truly happy for years. I have been hiding away more and more and become more despondent as the years go on with my body image. I have had high points feeling good – but have sunk to great depths too.
I have been unwilling to share what I am about to do with anyone – fearing judgment or being nagged to deviate from my plans. Perhaps tomorrow I might write about what prompted me in to action.
I have moments of feeling really good about what I am going to do – then the doubts if its just a waste of money, if it will work, if I will actually be any different or look any different. It’s a see saw of feeling strong then weak and it pretty much sucks.
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