trying to keep a log of how I am feeling this last month before I go to surgery. Trying to think - have I done enough? did I sneek anything I aught not have? done more? Whilst its true I kept a log on another blog on everything I ate - 3 chips here - a bite of a sandwich there, the last 5 months have been very healthful and have changed the way I look at food now. almost to the point I can't be bothered much of the time now. Even Lindt doesn't taste so nice any longer and I'd rather have a crunchy apple.
In so many ways I feel restricted by my body, lumbering slow and sluggish. always feeling my stomock on my legs or being able to rest a cup when I am sitting down. Thats kinda gross.
I totally get that this suregery is not the end all and be all - its the start of my journy - a huge wake up for me and I am just praying that it will not be a painful one.
I feel a bit ashamed too - I am bending to the media, the idols of our time. Shifting my thoughts that I cannot be the best I can no matter how I look. Just caving in to a manufactured belief and ideal.
I think there is only so many times I can sit in the corner and tell the world to go fuck itself to realise that it doesn't care what I think. get in line. play nicely. look the part.
is being part of the mould part of the journey? lets explore.
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