First Before and After photos

I'm a bit shy about putting the naked photos up as despite me pouring my heart and guts out online - I am actually a very private person.

I thought I'd share the first before and after shots ( clothes on) and I hope that it gives you an idea of the incredible transformation I am undergoing.

This photo is of me waiting for a consultation - just after I landed in the country.


This photo is of me - a week after surgery - wearing the same pants. Underneath you can see I have my surgical restrictive garments ( very sexy I can assure you) and I am still quite swollen. I hope it gives you an indication of the body reshaping that has happened.

Its the first time in years ( probably 5) that I have worn a tight t-shirt. I can hardly contain my excitement at the opporuntity I now have presented before me with clothes options. NO MORE LONG SHIRTS - nothing baggy.. nothing hanging over my tummy to hide it... are you kidding? I am either going topless or showing off my new belly button from now on.. ( will wait till swelling goes down)

Saced and Selfish

My intention for the next 30 days is to record each day feelings and thoughts as I head towards possibly the most scary selfish thing I have ever decided to do.

Selfish in that I don’t normally spend money on myself – I hate to shop – especially for clothes – but that is all wound up with the self image thing and self worth issues I have.

Selfish as in the surgery carries many dangers and risks. There is the possibility that I might die on the table. I have two surgeries planned – a day apart from the other and there is ‘a lot’ of work to be done. The risks are 1 in 100 000 – where as dying in a car crash is 8 in 100 000 ( got that from a website on dangers) I am selfish in that I have two very beautiful and loving kids who need me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am and is struggling to understand why this is important to me at all. Selfish as I see the tears in his eyes every time we talk about it. Its cutting me up and am on the verge of saying no I won’t do it. But he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy and can see my mind is set on doing this.

I am selfish enough to risk my life, to die, to chase this dream. That’s pretty damned terrifying.

I am selfish as I am using a great big chunk of money which sensibly should be used to buy us a new car – our current one is just about dead, but a new stove – two of our burners have not worked for 6 months, pay down our debts and house mortgage… especially with the current economic climate – who knows who will have jobs by the end of the month? So selfish, the worst I have ever been and yet,,, I still am committed.

Its scary. Going to a hospital for one thing. I am not fazed at all by getting on an airplane and flying several hours alone. I am really happy with the level of information given to me and the other peoples testimonies.

I’m scared that I am not ready – that I am too fat, not the right candidate for this sort of procedure – that the doctors will tell me to go away and lose weight before I come back. I’ve done a bunch of research on liposuction particularly and shake my head – its best for people who are 10% over their normal weight – WHAT? If I was 10% over my ideal weight who would CARE?

In short – today I am scared. Its now less than 30 days before I get on the plane- having said goodbye to my kids and hubby – and he wondering if he’ll ever see me again.

Cosmetic Surgery - the answer to obesity

Ok – so some serious thoughts and research ahs been going on in my head for the last 6 months or so. I started this blog because I thought I had at last come to peace with the way I looked. I really want to believe that you can be beautiful and sensual no matter what size you are – but I just can’t. In the last six months I have become more sheltered, less gregarious, unwilling to accept any invitations to go out and its getting worse – My own mother in laws wedding – and all I wanted to do was to hide in the hotel room and cry ( which I actually did for part of the time) Its crap and Its got to stop.

I have seriously looked at some of the exotic beauty getaway packages that are springing up all over the place. Its a huge business – over 1000% growth last year alone. Check out Restored Beauty Getaways I met with their representative here in my home town today and was very impressed. Having worked in the recruitment business in medical for a while I would be hesitant to trust most doctors trained in this country – much less those from overseas. I doubt anyone in this country asks for accreditation or looks into the hospital rooms or after care if they go in for surgery. So impressed with the presentation of the rooms etc.. oh and there were lots of machines that went beep – and people walking around with white coats and clipboards looking concerned as well as the ubiquitous person peering into a test tube and swirling it round.. gotta love advertising – however seeing past that – I saw a highly professional team, top notch hospital and very experienced doctors.

Ultimatly, my outcome is confidence. I need something dramatic and this looks like the golden ticket.. I know that I won’t walk out looking like Victoria Beckenham and there are risks involved – but as I said before – the risk of staying the size I am is far greater to my mind than going ahead. Not only health wise – but emotionally and psychologically. I feel myself slipping further into a black hole. I am angry and revolting to be around and feel sorry for my sweet children and patient hubby who look at me with bewildered eyes wondering who this monster is. I just want to get off but can’t find the button to stop.

I feel I am on the brink of a huge step for me and need to just tip over and do it…

Is Surgery the answer to Obesity?

On the other hand of extreme options is surgery. I understand there is a high risk involved – especially for someone who is overweight – to go under the knife. I’ve watched videos of the liposuction and its pretty gross. I can only imagine the pain and bruising once the anesthetic wear off.

Cutting something out or reshaping the form may not be the answer either – but let me tell you – the confidence that I would have if I wasn’t constantly hiding from cameras, holing up in the house because I don’t want to go out or for people to see me – would surely be worth it. As far as scars go – and from all research – the surgeons do a pretty good job now – I would not care one bit – its not like I wear a bikini now nor so I let anyone see my naked body readily. Besides – what cool stories could I make up as reasons for them?

At this point all I can see are the pluses for surgery. To be a size 18 would be an incredible dream for me. Being able to wear semi normal clothes – go into normal shops, go on rides at funparks with my kids, go hot air ballooning, getting into a seat in the airplane. There are things I cannot do physically right now – including stretches for my movement classes – boobs and guts get in the way – and its not my lack of stretch that stops me going any further. Putting on back packs and straps to go bushwalking is a hassle, riding my bicycle is a hassle with my tummy getting in the way. I know that I am getting narrow vision here – but all I can see is the gut gone and I can have a crack at looking normal again.

What does one do? I don’t even have the gumption to bring this up with my partner, fearing ridicule and persecution.

I know a lot (most – well all) my problems about weight are in my head. I can’t bear to look at the mirror and hate seeing photos of myself. I thank the inventor of the digital camera as I can delete all photos of me with a “oops” sorry pressed the wrong button…… I understand that most people have the same fear – that they are not good enough.. for whatever they believe they aught to be good enough for. All I can think is that if only I didn’t have this huge stomach bulging out and knocking everything over when I walk past anything, then I would have more confidence in doing things. I know I have lost confidence majorly in the last few years as the weight has crept on. I no longer want to be part of volunteer groups as it would mean I would have to deal with the public and I shy away from anything I have to present or be in front of people at. Its not I am afraid of public speaking – I just don’t want people to look at me.

I can’t even expect anyone to understand how I feel about this or how desperate this has all become. Perhaps it is optimistic in me thinking that if only, if only I did do the surgery, then things would be different. I know there is no way I would ever go back to being the size I am now if given a clean slate.

The 'side effects' of remaining Morbidly Obese are far far FAR worse than choosing either lap band or surgery. I have always been one who jumps in feet first – dramatic with everything.. I just wish I could talk sensibly about my decision process with someone who actually understood – not a skinny mini who has no idea…( sisters, family….)

The torment is excruitiating.