trying to tell girlfreinds

This is a really tough one. I have desperately wanted to tell my close girlfriends but wanted to tell them face to face.

I'd tried to organize a time to get us together, but everyone seems to be so busy and little time to take time out to spend with others. It just didn't happen.

One of my closest and the one I had hoped I could rely on the most - I had planned to tell while we were at an expo health retreat thing all day. Surrounded by really positive energy and lots of loving intentions, we were to have the day together chatting with spiritual people about true feelings and emotions. As I was setting up our display stuff, she sent me an sms to say she was not coming. She turned her phone off for the rest of the day and didn't return any calls or sms that day.

It was a bit of a blow but I had to cope - huge day ahead, now all resting on me to provide and deliver. I hated having to lie to the organiser why she wasn't there, so didn't. just said she chose not to be there and left it at that. I was disturbed by my lack of emotion about the whole day. I understand that I was put into survival mode and drew on my tools and coping mechanisms to deal with what happened. However, its not for weeks afterward that I realise how this event and what happened afterwards has affected me deeply.

I didn't hear from her for nearly two weeks and as time went on I discovered it to be a very difficult and distressing position, where it become apparent to me that she was completely oblivious to the whole situation, obviously thought that what she had done didn't need mentioning or explaining and certainly not apologizing or being responsible in anyway for it.

and the thing was that I wasn't even after an apology - just some sort of recognition or responsibility for how her decision impacted on me and my day. May be its just me and I have made it bigger than it aught to have been, I don't know.

I can't speak for her or even understand why she chose not to have any dialogue with me but it would be my guess she thought I would cope and just get on with it and that it wasn't a big deal.

After struggling with with for a while I came to the understanding that she has done nothing but been consistent the entire time we have been friends. She has consistently been this way and I have allowed and accepted this. All she has done since is to demonstrate in her own way, the way she conducts friendships and they way she likes to be approached - so in reality - nothing has changed - she has done nothing different than she always has. Its my perceptions and the meanings I have placed upon those events which have caused me so much heart ache and distress.

At a key time where I actually needed someone to be there for me, she wasn't, perhaps and I suspect this is true, she never has been. In all this I need to take responsiblity for my actions. I don't demand much from a friendship. I am neither clingy or needy, gossip nor judgemental. I demand solidness, strength of character, authenticity, integrity and congruency. Maybe thats a hard shopping list.

It is what it is. Its been nearly 2 months since that expo and I've barely spoke or seen her ( twice I think) She is very busy with a project and has been focusing on that. Perhaps this is the inevidibel end of that friendship.

So its left me with no-one to share my last month of fear ridden concerns. No-one to slap me and tell me to stop wrapping christmas presents for goddess sake I am going to be here to do it myself. No-one to kick me and tell me to go and enjoy my kids and stop worrying about them so much.

It is my fault, I let so few in and am so devistated when they don't make the grade.