All Aboard!

All packed, ready to go. Panic and stress finally settled in - what to take, what to wear? Will everyone be ok? What will they do with out me?

This is the most disorganized I have ever been on a trip. I have no tourist guide or maps, have not done up an itinerary nor learnt a single word of the languagege. I suck. So stressed and scared about the whole proceedure.

Hubby dropped me off at the airport - I didn't want a big farewell thing - had tears in my eyes the whole way in anycase.

I seriously thought about running out and catching a cab and going to a hotel and slinking back home the next day. Waht a whimp.

huge step in trust and letting go here... wish me luck

Journey of Trust and asking for help

Another big session today. Lots of tears and realizations. Far out - how can one person who is supposed to be on this path of self realization be so screwed up?

I never ask for help - unless I have 100% assurity that I will get it. I value security and my independence over everything and yet value love and connection at that high level too. No wonder I have so much conflict in my life.

This surgery will be a big wake up call and journey for me - because there will be nearly a week I cannot do a thing - go to the toilet - brush my teeth sit up - without asking for help - and it will be from complete strangers that I will need to ask for this assistance.

Am feeling mentally and emotionally tired after today.

What got me started

You’d have to be living under a rock not to have been exposed to TV reality shows like the biggest loser or extreme makeover. I can’t say that I have ever actually watched these in entirety – perhaps a few snatches here and there – but then I don’t watch a lot of TV in anycase.

I’d seen some articles about lipo and cosmetic surgery – looked at it on the internet – but the price from the local surgeries really scared me off. Sometime last year I saw an article on surgeries oversees. I looked up the company and just for fun – got a quote on a few things. We kept in contact but I never really thought about going ahead with it.

Having weeks off away from the family and the cost – even though it was half the price – really put me in my place. I felt I was not worth it. Last year one of my good friends had the lap band surgery and really hadn’t looked back – she really is half the size she used to be. However – talking to her and being with her made me realsie that I couldn’t follow the lifestyle that is required to keep this up. The thing that did it for me was no fruit or veges raw as they can’t go down the tiny hole. I love my apples and carrots, just munching them straight from the fridge and to think I couldn’t do that.. eeekkkkk can anyone say colon cancer?

Just after Xmas, one of my sisters – stick thin as she is – never had a weight issue ; as lovingingly as she could, cornered me at the washing up pile and said she wanted to pay for help for me to get rid of my weight issues. It was then a bit of a relief to actually talk to her about some of the options I had found. We then got on a conference call with another sister who also committed money to put in for help.

I then had no objections as far as the cost went – and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders – I researched in earnest for the best options. Dieticians, phyc help

For lots of reasons I have discussed before, surgery was the best for me. After presenting this to them, I was told flat that they were not going to pay for this – that they would only pay for the lapband surgery. This really sucked the wind out of my sails. I was so buoyant and free before this – feeling I was doing something that would make a huge difference to me and then the rug pulled unceremoniously from under my feet.

However – people who want to rescue you only do it for themselves – under their terms and I was not going to be bullied or convinced to do something that in my heart I knew was not right for me. It really hurt and I cried for days about it. Just when I thought my sisters truly understood me and ‘got’ me – only to realize that they had no idea.

But then its pretty difficult to understand a physicality you have never experienced yourself. Being this overweight is not like carrying a few pounds you hide under a big shirt . Its all pervasive. It defines you and people judge and pervieve your character before they even meet you – simply on the way you look.

How could I get the message across to someone who has never worn something larger than a size 12 what its like to never go into a normal clothing store – because there simply is nothing you can buy, what its like to have a loaded credit card – desperate to buy something – anything to wear to a special event and not find – literally a thing to wear, what its like to find something that does fit – and you just buy it – even though it’s the wrong colour and style for you – but simply because it fits?

You can’t and for that reason I forgive them. They see the lap band as the right way – the safe way. I’ve gone into all the dangers it entails and even if half is true and not prepared to put my body through that – even if someone else pays for it.

This is on my terms. I just wish they could understand how important it is for me.

FEAR

Fear - Forget everything and run.... or

False Expectations Appearing Real.....as much as I am saying those false expectations are nothing but fantasies in my head.... I have VERY good imagination and I am shaking and feel sick..

I go from being so confident and feeling great about this surgery and feeling like I about to die, wondering what will happen to my family because I was so selfish and risked my life in this way.
One of the worst things about it is that I have very few people to share this sick grinding fear with.

My hubby is so supportive and wants me just to be happy, but I can't forget the tears he has shed or the fears he holds because he cannot be with me.

One of my closest friends has completely shut me out of her life and is on a journey of her own. She done nothing but be consistent with her values and demonstrated the way she does friendship - so its not up to me to judge that. It is what it is. Its just not the way I value things nor is it the way I prefer to conduct friendship. I think its just harder right now because I really need a girlfriend to confide in - to cry and fall apart with. I am having a bit of a pity party about it all - but need to suck it up - she has done nothing inconsistent with they way she has always lived her life. Its just right now I need her first real time I really need her to be there.. and shes not.

where to get the best care for cosmetic suregery

well - here is the link to Phuket Hospital - where I will be. its gorgeous. enormous rooms, wonderful staff etc.. check it out.

http://www.phukethospital.com/eng/tour-hospital-ward-president.html

A Shamanistic Journey

I had some counseling on Tuesday and have had a bunch of things to think about since then.

One very strong thing I have taken away from my time was the reframe on the surgery. For me its not an end all and be all solution - its the start of a journey. I have done so much and I need help to get me to the next level. I need to physically change before i can take that step.

The surgery is a journey for me - like shamanistic ceremonies where there is firewalking, or drawing of blood, sweat tents etc. my body needs proof and symbols to reinforce that it is undergoing permanent change...

Going under anesthetic each time will allow my body to journey deep inside, to uncover the last corners and to bring back some answers for my conscious self.

Today I am feeling at peace with it all. just wish it were sooner.. the waiting now is killing me.

Still wondering what to say to folk

SOfar I have been unable to tell many people – hubby ( of course – after tearful and gutwrenching displays of emotion and a bunch of other stuff months ago.) and a dear girlfriend of mine whom although we see very little of, email or be in touch, we connect immediately when we do – and over lunch I felt it right to tell her. She was so supportive and fantastic about it. She even wanted to come with me and get some stuff done.. believe me – out of all my girlfriends, she is the last person I would think needed any perfecting on.

I kinda have to thing about what I am going to say to people as I am expecting its going to be quite a transformation when all the swelling etc goes down. I know its not going to change me into a size 12 – but there will be some major body shape differences. Maybe I just won’t say anything. After all – its not like its anyones business.

I know its not a end all and be all change – it’s the beginning of something fantastic and new. I feel I have done as much as I can and I really need help ona major level to step up to the next phase in body acceptance. Its just not going to work when I look the way I do.

I am both scared and so looking forward to it.. less than two weeks now.

trying to tell girlfreinds

This is a really tough one. I have desperately wanted to tell my close girlfriends but wanted to tell them face to face.

I'd tried to organize a time to get us together, but everyone seems to be so busy and little time to take time out to spend with others. It just didn't happen.

One of my closest and the one I had hoped I could rely on the most - I had planned to tell while we were at an expo health retreat thing all day. Surrounded by really positive energy and lots of loving intentions, we were to have the day together chatting with spiritual people about true feelings and emotions. As I was setting up our display stuff, she sent me an sms to say she was not coming. She turned her phone off for the rest of the day and didn't return any calls or sms that day.

It was a bit of a blow but I had to cope - huge day ahead, now all resting on me to provide and deliver. I hated having to lie to the organiser why she wasn't there, so didn't. just said she chose not to be there and left it at that. I was disturbed by my lack of emotion about the whole day. I understand that I was put into survival mode and drew on my tools and coping mechanisms to deal with what happened. However, its not for weeks afterward that I realise how this event and what happened afterwards has affected me deeply.

I didn't hear from her for nearly two weeks and as time went on I discovered it to be a very difficult and distressing position, where it become apparent to me that she was completely oblivious to the whole situation, obviously thought that what she had done didn't need mentioning or explaining and certainly not apologizing or being responsible in anyway for it.

and the thing was that I wasn't even after an apology - just some sort of recognition or responsibility for how her decision impacted on me and my day. May be its just me and I have made it bigger than it aught to have been, I don't know.

I can't speak for her or even understand why she chose not to have any dialogue with me but it would be my guess she thought I would cope and just get on with it and that it wasn't a big deal.

After struggling with with for a while I came to the understanding that she has done nothing but been consistent the entire time we have been friends. She has consistently been this way and I have allowed and accepted this. All she has done since is to demonstrate in her own way, the way she conducts friendships and they way she likes to be approached - so in reality - nothing has changed - she has done nothing different than she always has. Its my perceptions and the meanings I have placed upon those events which have caused me so much heart ache and distress.

At a key time where I actually needed someone to be there for me, she wasn't, perhaps and I suspect this is true, she never has been. In all this I need to take responsiblity for my actions. I don't demand much from a friendship. I am neither clingy or needy, gossip nor judgemental. I demand solidness, strength of character, authenticity, integrity and congruency. Maybe thats a hard shopping list.

It is what it is. Its been nearly 2 months since that expo and I've barely spoke or seen her ( twice I think) She is very busy with a project and has been focusing on that. Perhaps this is the inevidibel end of that friendship.

So its left me with no-one to share my last month of fear ridden concerns. No-one to slap me and tell me to stop wrapping christmas presents for goddess sake I am going to be here to do it myself. No-one to kick me and tell me to go and enjoy my kids and stop worrying about them so much.

It is my fault, I let so few in and am so devistated when they don't make the grade.

what to tell people

I am going to come back different - in shape and as a person. so what they hell does one say?

While its true I have hidden away for a good two months and have been dieting, trying to gain peace and health in preparation for this surgery, there is still going to be a big difference. I am still unsure if I am even going to let on I had surgery.. is it really anyones business?

I think I am just going to smile and thank them for their observations.

hardly anyone knows I am going overseas or into hospital in anycase.

Realistic expectations of tummy tuck proceedure

I don't expect to get rid of my whole gut - but from explanation and photos I have seen, I expect that I will no longer have a big flap hanging over my hips and onto my legs.

I seriously cannot think of how else you can imagine to get rid of a stomach when it gets this way. bal bla we all know that prevention is the best cure and one aught never get into the situation in the first place.. but what about all the people who have and are now stuck helpless with this huge apron, front porch into front of them, unable to do much exercise because the bulk physically prevents them from doing it. imagine trying to run or jump with this in front of you? let me tell you - its neither a pretty site , nor is it comfortable. add to this the huge weight of breasts which usually go with this figure, usually very droppy - like mine. You end up feeling like crap the whole time, unable or unwilling to wear anything more revealing than a sheet and begin to think the Muslim women have something going for their fashion.

So realistically - the excess skin and flap is removed and stomack flattened or shaped to me smoother if not flat. how exciting does that sound... like 1000000000000 times exciting. THis proceeeudre is not meant as a weight loss technique - so I am not expecting great swathes of fat to be ripped out of me. I understand that its quite dangerous for the bod y in any case to loose volumne so it can't be done anywhay.

There is still work to be done in the sit ups and exersie arena - but heck when you start looking good, you'll feel like getting out there.

I am still not comfortable to have my photos of the before shot even seen by me - much less published - but a quick google search will reveal many others who have done the procedure and the results they have achieved. I can only dream that if my result looks half as good as this it will be money well spent.

I thank the anonymous lady whose photos I have pulled from the net - I would acknowledge you - but there was no name or details.

I look much worse that she does... and can only marvel at what surgery can achieve.. cross fingers... getting excited... and a bit scared too.

Small stuff - sit ups

I did a sit up today – that might not sound huge or exciting for many – but I havn’t done a sit up for over 10 years. And although some of it was never going there – other times – at the gym or in classes – it wasn’t for the want of trying. My gut was too big and I had no strength in my core to actually get me up…

I also did a stretch to day I haven’t done in years either.. Its not that my stetch is bad – I have an excellent one. But some of them I can’t physically do – because of the fat on my gut. I had my legs stretched out in front of me and lent over and touched toes with both hands. I was amazed. Wow – I did it!

Been enjoying dancing heaps. I still suck at it but still go.

Its the small things I have been noticing which have started to change...

The journey of losing wieght

trying to keep a log of how I am feeling this last month before I go to surgery. Trying to think - have I done enough? did I sneek anything I aught not have? done more? Whilst its true I kept a log on another blog on everything I ate - 3 chips here - a bite of a sandwich there, the last 5 months have been very healthful and have changed the way I look at food now. almost to the point I can't be bothered much of the time now. Even Lindt doesn't taste so nice any longer and I'd rather have a crunchy apple.
In so many ways I feel restricted by my body, lumbering slow and sluggish. always feeling my stomock on my legs or being able to rest a cup when I am sitting down. Thats kinda gross.

I totally get that this suregery is not the end all and be all - its the start of my journy - a huge wake up for me and I am just praying that it will not be a painful one.

I feel a bit ashamed too - I am bending to the media, the idols of our time. Shifting my thoughts that I cannot be the best I can no matter how I look. Just caving in to a manufactured belief and ideal.

I think there is only so many times I can sit in the corner and tell the world to go fuck itself to realise that it doesn't care what I think. get in line. play nicely. look the part.

is being part of the mould part of the journey? lets explore.

losing weight and loose undies

Its an exciting feeling – seeing your clothes drop off you. I have underwear that just doesn’t fit any longer – however I need to keep it till after the ops – so when I finally settle down I will need to go shopping for new stuff – all different sizes.
None of my jeans fit any longer – I can put both arms down the sides of the waistband and pull them outward. My shirts are huge and I hate them all – I look like a house still.

I go from being happy I have lost weight to crappy as I still look gross. I know I don’t get out much – but no-one seems to have noticed or said anything. I guess if you have the amount I have to lose, then you just look plain fat – no matter how much you lose.

I am glad I am going off to get the surgery done. I think it’s the right time.

Another freak out

Just when I thought I had settled myself down and got over the whole pity party thing, the kids are home sick and I got to wondering if I wasn't around who'd tuck them in, look after them? and then started to freak out again about voluntarily going into three surgeries.... I am such a big girls blouse...

Haven't told my dance class teacher or my karate sensei that I will be at LEAST two months away from classes. Just a chicken.

Am burying myself at home and trying to finish off at least one project before I go.. cupboards are a mess, mending pile is ginormous.. might have to throw it all out to hide that... my sewing machine stopped working today - so cross.

so you can see - bit scattered and all over the shop today..

Feelin crappy and snappy

just feeling crappy. depressed and scared and unsure and generally nervous and unsure and.. everything...Told my mother in law that I was going into hospital for a few weeks but didn't want to talk about it any more - at least she respected my want to be private. I owe her that at least.

major dramas with care of kids though - they were to go to my mums - but now Dad has to go into surgery - Pretty stressful major emergency type thing) and is booked in half way through while I am gone. trying to work round a bunch of options - can't have kids here with hubby - no after school care available here and trying to get the younger one into longer term day care -- impossible.... anyway - looks like she is going to ask one of her neighbours who has kids to look after my two for two nights - hubby will drive up ( 3 hours) and look after them over the weekend and then hand them back to neighbour for one or two nights.

Poor little squeeks... they are resilliant and I jsut hope they are ok...

crappy crappy snappy .. not worth talking to.

blew the eating thing

was ok all day - but took the kids out for a meal - they wanted Maccas or Chicken - but we settled on a pizza and cold rock. thankfully I am so fussy with icecream I didn't have to think about having any - but the smell of the freshly cooked pizza... oh dear. hadn't eaten all day.. had 4 slices straight up.. feel sick and disgusted with self.

Headaches and feeling pretty low today.

Competition time

been doing really well on my eating plan this year. Started off going fully raw. It sucked big time for a long time- then I kinda got used to it... as did the family. on and off for a while and hten got stuck into replacement meal shakes. Sometimes I can go a few days and only have them. I don't even miss eating... just stay busy. confession tonight though... ate half a block of chocolate watching tv. only have had a pear and a carrot though for rest of day - so I guess it evens out...
competition time.... can I go more than 3 days without eating something.. other than shakes?... humm maybe not over the weekend...
the more I lose the better I'll be operation time...

Liposuction

Ok - I coped watching videos of the tummy tuck - but liposuction ones have made me a bit queezy.....

I have looked at a bunch of vidoes by this Doctor - he seems really cool.

Tummy Tuck

Ok - I have been really concerened about what the effect would be on my body after surgery. I haven't been able to find any pictures of videos of people who look like me and what they look like afterwards - till this one.. I think I am getting a bit excited now. I don't expect to walk out looking like a super model - but to get rid of the hanging stomock... and to have some sort of waist... even a larger one.. .oh dreams... I could even then do some of the stretches in dance class I can't do - not becasue of lack of flexibility - but beacuse of my fat gut.

Adreniline Rushes

Its not anything new - but I get Adrenaline Rushes constantly throughout the day. - you know that cold "silver" spreading feeling that starts in your chest and tingles its way through your body? I can't say my heart rushes or anything before or afterwards - but its been with me so long I thought its normal.

Its the reason I can't sleep or relax. I can't stop still and have to move all the time.

did some reserach and found that adrenaline is a hormone produced by the adrenal gland in the body of many animals. When it is produced in the body it stimulates the heart-rate, dilates blood vessels and air passages, and has a number of more minor effects. Adrenaline is naturally produced in high-stress or physically exhilarating situations.

Does this men I live in a constant state of high stress? hummm must do I guess - but I wouldn't have said I was stressed normally. I usually got it all down pat.

The term "fight or flight" is often used to characterize the circumstances under which adrenaline is released into the body. It is an early evolutionary adaptation to allow better coping with dangerous and unexpected situations. With dilated blood vessels and air passages, the body is able to pass more blood to the muscles and get more oxygen into the lungs in a timely manner, increasing physical performance for short bursts of time.

The adrenal glands may be found directly above the kidneys in the human body, and are roughly three inches (7.62 cm) in length. Norepinephrine (or noradrenaline) is also released from the adrenal glands when they are active. In a healthily functioning human, approximately 80% of the released substance is adrenaline, and the other 20% is norepinephrine.

Adrenaline was the first hormone to be identified, and was successfully synthesized in 1904. It is part of a family known as biogenic amines, which includes serotonin and histamine, among others. Its specific compound group is the catecholamine group, which also includes norepinephrine and dopamine. Sustained high levels of catecholamines in the blood are a good indicator of chronic stress.

It may be important after a particularly stressful situation to 'work off' the adrenaline that has been released into your system. Our ancestors handled this naturally through fighting or other physical exertion, but in the modern world, high-stress situations often arise that that involve little physical activity. This can leave high amounts of adrenaline in the body, resulting in insomnia and jittery nerves.

alot more research tells me that its pretty bad for the heart and lessens your life expectancy. So for me to have adrenaline shooting off every 10 mins ( or less) is umm a bit of a concern.

might have to do some more research

Pity Party Over

Pity Party

About time to crash the pity party and get on with reshaping a new identity. That’s what this whole exercise is all about –after all. I know in the very fiber of my being that the stomach stapling gastro lap band thing would just not suit me. It don’t re educate the way you eat – as far as I can tell from experiences others around me have had – is that it physically restricts you in eating the amounts you used to – but not WHAT goes in. The things you can eat would be stuff no healthy person should eat anyway – no greens, no fruit or fiberous stuff? Man – that’s just a highway to colon cancer. I think the thing that really did it for me in my decision not to do the lap band was the gleeful admissions by people who had it done that they could still eat chocolate and dessert.

Habits is what will reshape me and in my 4 months of being nearly ( on and off) raw, I have changed from getting a snack of a chocolate bar at the petrol station when I fill up or at the supermarket – and opting to wait till I get home – or finding some grapes, cherries or some sweet fruit to munch on instead. I ( and this shocked me) even don’t feel like eating sweet processed things and hunger for a piece of melon or an apple instead. I think that in itself is gold.

So Pity Party is over. I think (modestly of course) that I have far too much in store for me in this life to end it now. It would just be too boring. Being chased naked down the street at 107 after having an affair with someone 3 times my junior… now that’s more likely….. and a bit more fun to think about.

Looking at the positives

Just a short one today.

I’m not sick, I am in pretty good health – having been on a nearly raw diet now for 4 months and taken plenty of glyconutrients and supplements.

I go to a dance class on a Monday night – what a work out!, do karate twice a week ( mostly)

I wish I could say I have lost heaps of weight and inches and inches as was my plan. But despite being uber strict, have really not changed much – a few inches on the hips and waist – practically nothing on the scales.

So perhaps – after hormonal tests have come back with nothing, thyroid is only a little under active – this surgery will actually help me.

Unless you have been there – been really overweight - you can’t know how it feels, how pervasive lunging this weight around with you everywhere – the judging looks from people if you dare eat out, how you have to chose the right chairs and places to sit – otherwise you don’t fit, how you can’t join your kids in the park or on rides in the fair or theme parks because you don’t fit. The embarrassment and frustration.http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/50126803_90887e1251_s.jpg

I'd really like to go on the rollercoaster...one of the first things I am planning to do when I get back.

So the positives for this surgery will be that I will look different – even a little and in that way I will be different, will react to the world around be differently. Although there isn’t a confidence pill, I am sure that this comes a very close second.. the opportunity to look different – that’s something to hold on to.

Tummy Tuck - whats involved?

I have been too afraid to talk about what I am about to undergo with anyone - apart from my partner. Afraid of their reaction, judgment. I went through the whole research stuff last year - but it was pretty much hypothetical... its now less than 2 weeks... here's a you tube basic video of what one of the surgeries I am getting done... and yes - getting some very attractive undergarments to wear for weeks afterwards

What would you do if you had less than 25 days to live?

I have to say as the time ticks on I am sacred to freaking death. I go from trying to normalize the whole thing to getting panicy about all the things I haven’t done.

I started looking at all the Christmas presents I have stashed away today. I am a compulsive present buyer – when I see something on sale or perfect for someone , I will buy it and stash it – making Christmas so much more manageable financially and with less stress. I started to think that well – if I am not here – then my family is going to be stuck with a bunch of gifts with no names on them – or worse yet – finding them years later and wondering what to do.

I’ve so many projects I have started and not fully completed – scrap book gift for hubby, photo albums from life overseas – literally hundreds of photos which would be meaningless to anyone else, patchwork and needlepoint, not to mention writing projects and websites I am still fiddling with.

What the hell do you do? Try and finish everything? Go mad with the flurry of activity? Or try and capture some sort of memories with your family, your kids, the people you love? I have been so tetchy lately, and I know horrible to be around – especially for my sweet kids. Probably a combination of the lack of food and stress, hormones – and stress….

What would you do if you had less than 4 weeks of life?

No-one can actually ever tell – the good old bus might mow you down tomorrow. I have attempted to live with little regret, to tell people what I feel about them. I can’t see myself doing a mass mail out of “I love yous” to people. I would hope that if something did happen and I died – that people would know; that they would already have that closure.

What are my regrets? I guess I don’t have long sweeping ones like wasting my life on stuff – they are specific things.

I regret I didn’t insist both my sisters be bridesmaids at my wedding. The material for their dresses still sits in the bottom of my huge material cupboard.

I regret losing touch with my best friend from Uni. We just drifted apart after she was posted up north to teach and married. Different lives, just drifted away. She’s a stranger to me now when we see on another. We used to share everything, know everything about each other, get in and out of the most terrible scrapes and it stabs me in the heart to think it was just.. lost.

I have traveled extensively, experienced life at all angles, had crazy love affairs, dangerous and mad times done extreme adventure pursuits and lived (so far) a pretty outrageous and fortunate life intermixed with incredible crap times and misfortune ( if you could label certain growth periods as misfortune). . I’d be miffed I would have to say – if I never got to see Russia, Turkey or Croatia – we missed them when we lived os.. Hubby was too ill with the treatments for us to get off the beaten track too much by the time we were to see them.

I’d be particularly sad that I wouldn’t be round to help my daughter – who at the age of 4 has the sprit of a tiger and attracts trouble with a giant T. She’s going to need a heap of help as she grows up.

I go between being scared witless to being numb. The worst thing about it all is that I have no-one to share it with. I will tell the story of my family in a post soon.. just have to get the emotional strength to revisit all of that awefulness.

I can’t really let on to my partner – hes being supportive and strong and all that and I see the tears in his eyes and desperation every day – he looks at me as though I am going to die – that he will be waving me off and he’ll never see me again. How can I even say that I am scared to him? We both fall apart? Someone has to remain strong.

I’ve not told any of my friends about what I am going to do. Is it so bad that I feel that they wouldn’t understand? That I think the friendships I have are so shallow or judgmental that they would pass judgments? Its not about them – I know that – its about me and my insecurities. I am so crap at this.

Feeling strong and weak

I still have the guilt of using a huge amount of money which quite possible would be better served elsewhere to benefit the whole family – rather than to satisfy the selfish needs of one person.

However, I’ve not been truly happy for years. I have been hiding away more and more and become more despondent as the years go on with my body image. I have had high points feeling good – but have sunk to great depths too.

I have been unwilling to share what I am about to do with anyone – fearing judgment or being nagged to deviate from my plans. Perhaps tomorrow I might write about what prompted me in to action.

I have moments of feeling really good about what I am going to do – then the doubts if its just a waste of money, if it will work, if I will actually be any different or look any different. It’s a see saw of feeling strong then weak and it pretty much sucks.

Saced and Selfish

My intention for the next 30 days is to record each day feelings and thoughts as I head towards possibly the most scary selfish thing I have ever decided to do.

Selfish in that I don’t normally spend money on myself – I hate to shop – especially for clothes – but that is all wound up with the self image thing and self worth issues I have.

Selfish as in the surgery carries many dangers and risks. There is the possibility that I might die on the table. I have two surgeries planned – a day apart from the other and there is ‘a lot’ of work to be done. The risks are 1 in 100 000 – where as dying in a car crash is 8 in 100 000 ( got that from a website on dangers) I am selfish in that I have two very beautiful and loving kids who need me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am and is struggling to understand why this is important to me at all. Selfish as I see the tears in his eyes every time we talk about it. Its cutting me up and am on the verge of saying no I won’t do it. But he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy and can see my mind is set on doing this.

I am selfish enough to risk my life, to die, to chase this dream. That’s pretty damned terrifying.

I am selfish as I am using a great big chunk of money which sensibly should be used to buy us a new car – our current one is just about dead, but a new stove – two of our burners have not worked for 6 months, pay down our debts and house mortgage… especially with the current economic climate – who knows who will have jobs by the end of the month? So selfish, the worst I have ever been and yet,,, I still am committed.

Its scary. Going to a hospital for one thing. I am not fazed at all by getting on an airplane and flying several hours alone. I am really happy with the level of information given to me and the other peoples testimonies.

I’m scared that I am not ready – that I am too fat, not the right candidate for this sort of procedure – that the doctors will tell me to go away and lose weight before I come back. I’ve done a bunch of research on liposuction particularly and shake my head – its best for people who are 10% over their normal weight – WHAT? If I was 10% over my ideal weight who would CARE?

In short – today I am scared. Its now less than 30 days before I get on the plane- having said goodbye to my kids and hubby – and he wondering if he’ll ever see me again.