Six months on

I will write a big reflective piece in July - 1 year on from the surgery - but heres my thoughts 6 months afterwards.
yes - it was worth it - what price do you put on your life? your joy? your confidence? I truly believe I was given 10 years wind back of the clock.

Pain? after the surgery I had access to the best pain relief ever - and could have had as much as I liked for longer than I did. The staff were brilliant, kind, understanding and supportive. I will never regret going where I did or doing what I did.

The effect? - brilliant!! love love love it. to be picky though - my belly button is skew wiff and I am lopsided a little on the stomack area. However I have quite a few pounds to shed before I can really assess if its just me or the surgery....

Afterwards - my stitches are all but gone - the lines are distinctive - but those who see them in the intimate places they are in have no business commenting...

Recovery - I thought I could do more than I can and put my recovery back a bit by overdoing it all... I am ready now to get back into my dancing and marital arts classes. In saying that - especially around my stomach area it is still senseless.I've been to accupuncture a few times and that seemed to work a bit on regaining sense in the area.

to sum up. I completely love my perky breasts and love the fact I can walk around with no bra - despite the size and not worry about droop. I feel so much more confident and able to cope with more.

The surgery has given me a new lease on life and a confidence I would never have been able to recapture. Its all fine and well to say - just go to the gym or get a personal trainer and you will lose weight and then you'll feel confident. Perhaps that works for other people. It didnt; for me. I just got despondent and hungry, bitter and depressed.

One thing I will say though. Other people don't notice what you look like.. really. its both comforting and depressing.

I have been up and down with my eating plan since the surgery and so far have lost 27 kgs. Christmas season and family holiday will not and has not assisted -but I also made the decision not to get stressed about it and eat what and when I wanted... and guess what? I went mad for a day... and then got back onto sensible eating.

Given this though - I've seen alot of my family and far flung friends lately... who have not know what I have been through - or even that I have been to hospital or had surgery... and hardly anyone has commented. not said a word - not - wow you look nice today - or you look great.....

27 kgs .. far out - thats a fair amount - but obviously not enough to make me look any different to what they percieved me to look in their minds eye. ... now that is depressing...

the take away from this though - for you - my reader... don't do this for anyone but you... becasue no-one else will notice .. only you..... do it for you.

Dietgirl's Greatest Tips to Lose Weight

I literally stumbled across this site whilst looking for something completely different. I have copy and pasted her tips directly here and give full credit to the author, Shauna Reid.

Please do pop over to her site as she has written what looks to be an outstanding book and runs a great looking forum.

by Shauna Reid

1. Begin with the big picture. Write down your goals and be specific. What do you want to change? Where do you want to be a year from now?
2. Then focus on the details. Every day we make dozens of tiny decisions that can spell the difference between whether we lose weight or gain. Do you pick the muesli for breakfast or the chocolate muffin? Do you spend twenty minutes on the couch or twenty minutes on a brisk walk? Small changes can add up to huge results.
3. Start exercising no matter what your fitness level. At 25 stone I could only shuffle to the end of the street, but I gradually built up to the whole block. Within a couple of years I was running!
4. Eat breakfast. A wholesome breakfast makes me feel smug, satisfied and determined to stay on track all day. My favourite is porridge, livened up with grated apple and cinnamon, or chopped banana and teaspoon of peanut butter.
5. Be kind to yourself and your body. You don’t have to look in the mirror and chant, “I love me! I am beautiful!” but at the same time yelling at your thighs won’t encourage your weight loss efforts.
6. Make your treats miniature. Instead of banning puddings, I choose smaller portions – like an apple crumble baked in a ramekin dish or a small bar of Green and Blacks chocolate. I get my sugar hit without dangerous leftovers!
7. Lift weights. It won’t make you bigger – it’ll make you svelte and strong! If you’re worried about loose skin, resistance training is the best thing you can do to tone your body as you lose weight.
8. Planning is crucial. Every Saturday I take ten minutes to plan our meals for the coming week. I choose from a list of 25 easy, tried-and-true recipes, so it’s quicker to cook than phone for a takeaway.
9. Buy your groceries online. It saves time and you’re not tempted by all the sights and smells of the supermarket. Or tortured by your screaming children.
10. Feel your emotions, don’t feed them. In times of stress it’s tempting to bury your feelings in cake – better to feel bad about binging than tackle the real issue! But try to find non-edible ways of coping – I highly recommend kickboxing classes.
11. Go Greek. If you’re a cream or sour cream fiend, 0% or 2% Greek yogurt is an excellent substitute. Dollop into meringue nests and top with fresh fruit. Splodge onto a bowl of chilli. Swirl into butternut squash soup.
12. The best exercise is the one you enjoy. So what if your best friend swears by aerobics at dawn? If you’re a shift worker or just plain grumpy in the morning, this will never suit you. Choose an exercise you like and do it when it’s most convenient for you – this way you’ll stick with it.
13. Stock your office pantry. I can ignore the vending machine when I’ve got half an orchard sitting on my desk and a drawer full of oatcakes, nuts and seeds.
14. Have a cuppa. When hunger strikes and it’s not meal time, I make a cup of tea. This gives me time to figure out if I’m really hungry or if I’m just bored or cranky. Herbal tea is great – experiment until you find one that doesn’t taste like grass clippings!
15. Have a moan. Losing weight isn’t easy, but you don’t have to feel alone in the struggle. Start a blog or speak up on the WLR forums. Remember, we’re all in this lardy boat together!
16. Put the scales in perspective. Don’t fret over small fluctuations – focus on all the healthy things you’ve been doing for your body. Get out the tape measure or have a pair of “measurement jeans”, so you’re not dependent on the scales for feedback.
17. Be adaptable. Make your plans to lose weight fit around your life, not the other way around. Sometimes circumstances will change – a new job, a family crisis, moving house – and suddenly your usual routine doesn’t work. The trick is to be flexible and know when it’s time to tweak your methods.
18. Set a non-scale goal. Why not train for a charity 5k race or challenge yourself to do ten push-ups? Focusing on fitness means I don’t fret about the numbers so much. And all those endorphins make me feel less inclined to go on a chocolate bender.
19. Accept that sometimes it’s going to suck. Despite your best intentions, there will be days when you fall into a bag of crisps. But long-term success is about persistence, not perfection. It’s picking yourself up when you fall, over and over again.
20. Don’t wait to be “skinny” to start living your life. If you have dreams of travelling or writing a book or learning to scuba dive, don’t think you need a smaller bum before you deserve them. Your life is happening right now – so forget about your wobbly bits and jump right in.

Plateaus and Hill tops

I know that there will be times I will plateau with my weight loss but I have been so motivated and seen the results every few days, I started to think that it won't happen to me....sigh

I can put it down to a few things - I spent two weeks with family on holiday - just casual - but I let my hair down a bit - ate at every meal, had alcohol and even indulged in some chocolate - but nothing too outrageous or ridiculous.... and I put on 3 kg.. I nearly died when I saw the scales.

Have been able to shed 2 of those but now on a plateau and its so hard not to jump on and off the scales to check .. like every meal time.. I am trying really hard not to be obsessed... but I have the fear of going back - of being really fat again.

I have upped my activity levels and going to two classes a week as well as 20 mins of wii fit a day... writing this I know its not really enough... damn it..sigh....

I wore a bikini today

I wore a bikini today at the beach.

For some people this is a very boring experience and perhaps others may think.. umm so what??

.. the last time I was in a bikini was when I was 8 years old and I have never owned one as an adult. I generally get out into the water with more material on than an Iranian lass in a birker.

I have to admit for the first few moments – especially when I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I thought what on earth possessed you to not only buy a bikini – but to now wear one in public?

When I first got out of hospital and the bandages taken off, I stared in wonderment at my new shape and cried. I never thought I’d have the opportunity to see anything that resembled a flattened tummy again. Although I have a rounded tummy still, it basically goes straight down – no floppy bits – no folds or flap overs. I also understand that I need to lose weight and get my tummy muscles into shape in order to have a much tighter and flatter stomach line.

With this in mind – I strode out into the waterside, head held high.
I am wearing a bikini.

I may still have a rounded tummy and love handles at the side – but I am wearing a bikini. That is such a strong statement of self confidence, I am still in awe.

Just thought I’d share that one…

Oct update

I promised to keep an update on how I was going - at least once a month...

I went back to my exercise classes for the first time this week - a bit nervous about stretching and over doing it - but am taking it easy.

I have been to acupuncture sessions quite a bit as well - I still have very little feeling along my stomach and along the scar line - though I believe that these sessions are really helping out.

I've been very careful with my eating and have continued to lose weight. I am so delighted - so entranced by my changing figure - I can't recommend this surgery more..... though I do know that it won't suit everyone - nor would others have the success I am enjoying I guess. Its been a full mind/ body retraining ting for me.

I have chucked/ sold all my fat clothes. So far Ihave gone from a size 28 and am currenlty comfortable in a size 20. Since the week after surgery when I was weighed at the hospital till now, I have lost 10 kgs. My legs seems to be the main area I am losing it, and though I know I need to lose it EVERYWHERE, I wish the wodge from my back would start to shift in time for the hot weather.....

well - till next time..

9 weeks after surgery

I said I was only going to wear tight tshirts and stuff hey?

Well this week I finally turfed all of the surgical garments. I didn't wear any of them in that last photo I took a week or so ago - but have been very consistent otherwise. to be honest they are too big now - stretched no doubtedly - but I have been shrinking at a great rate - so they hold less of a restrictive band around me.


My 4 year old took this photo - so it is a bit fuzzy... but well - you can see the difference in my shape huh? I am ECSTATIC!!!

I am also realistic enough to know I need to keep going - and I have a fair way to go... but heck I am so happy!!!

Recovery and Reshaping

Its been a while since I updated my progress files here.

I have been frustrated with the length of time I am taking to recover. My stitching etc is perfect - with the use of an aloevera product I have - it took almost no time to bond together and the lines are fading quickly.

I had in my mind that I would be ready to go back to fitness classes and dance etc within 6 weeks. Sadly - for at least my case - its not so. I have noticed that even with days I do the shopping and carry in a box of groceries - or go out and do a bit more walking about than just sitting at home - I will swell up.

Its so frustrating to see my tummy- which had been getting flatter and a better shape than I have in more than 20 years - to suddenly balloon - as though I were 9 months preg.

I'm being super careful about food intake and water.

In saying all of this though the scales are still going downward every week. I have a goal to reach before my birthday - and that bikini still hanging on the doorway. Regardless of me achieving my goal or not - I will take a photo of me in it and post it up.... now there is a public challange!!

8 weeks after surgery

Hi - thought I'd include a photo of me 8 weeks after surgery - I was at a party and wore a new clingy dress with a neckline that plunged! ( I am not wearing a bra either!!)

although I am still lumpy round the middle - boy I am not complaining.. as soon as I can get into some exercise I'll be working hard on it!

Well into healing time

Its well into 8 weeks now since the surgery and I never appreciated how long it actually takes to heal. I am not sure if I am brave enough to put skin photos up yet.

Suffice to say, I still have quite red looking scar lines and stitches poking out in some places. When I got back home I was very careful to have lots of rest - sitting and lying down - nearly killed me - but I knew how important it was for swelling. I was rewarded each day with a lessening tummy and breasts deflating toward the D cup promised. ( sort of a bit sad to see my very large perky ones go....big smiles.)

One side of my tummy and my new belly button is still very swollen and I am still wearing the constrictive bandaging 23 hours a day. However - they are very loose now and its sort of losing the impact.

I have gone from a size 26 ( getting on the plane 8 weeks ago) to currently a size 18/20. I've done no exercise so far. I boogied and did some dancing the kitchen last night and was punished with swollen breasts and sore tummy withing an hour. I feel so great and wonderful and was seriously thinking of going back to my dance classes next week. I guess not huh?

I feel amazing and delight in wearing hipster jeans and a tight tshirt - grinning like an idiot at my flat stomach. Although I still have the very unsexy undergarments on - I feel fab.

I plan to continue to keep a weekly diary here to inform any who pop over - on my recovery and my thoughts.

please do comment and ask me questions - more than happy to answer!

EBAY queen

As promised in an earlier post - I have been constantly going though my wardrobe and turfing.

It pains me sometimes to see favourite shirts or outfits in the pile - but I am not willing to keep them - as energetically they will sap my soul - and give me messages that I need to 'grow back into them." which I am absolutely not going to do.

I own so much black... just as well I was a goth for a long time. Its also hard at times to see really good quality stuff ( things I may have only worn once or twice) get sold for a few dollars.

Still - its got to go and I am glad its going to someone who needs a lift and needs clothes...

Old stuff out, New Stuff In

Everything from my wardrobe was striped and unceremoniously dumped into boxes for sorting - charity store, friends and to sell. I was shocked to see so many of my clothes ( all black) which were nearly new - but realized what a depressed state i had been in the last few months - hanging out in track pants and long flowing t-shirts or shirts.

So my main rule is - nothing flowing. Its pained me to see favorite ( and expensive dresses and outfits) be turfed - but I am opening my virtual gateway to opportunities to accept new and beautiful clothing - which both fit and make me look glamorous and gorgeous.

So ebay - here we come...

My Story So Far

I’d like to share my story with others in the hope that I may serve as an example, or an indication to them of what changes undergoing cosmetic surgery can make. I underwent an extensive amount of surgeries - a tummy tuck, liposuction, breast reduction and breast lift; but want to make it clear that these things are not about losing weight (in actual fact very few kgs difference from the before and after shots) The reason I chose to do these surgeries was about looking different and a chance to give my body a kick start into fitness and health with massive head start.

With any surgery comes the involved risk and stress on your body. I was mindful of finding a top surgeon who would not only respect my stance, but not judge me. The minefield of referrals, long hospital waits and my distrust of the medical system in my state had always stopped me from pursuing surgery. The surgeons at Bangkok Phuket Hospital; organized by Restored Beauty Getaways gave honest feedback with realistic outcomes, setting expectations for each patient. They operate under the highest level of integrity and confidentiality and I am confident that anyone who undertakes a surgery with them will be delighted beyond words.

Why surgery for me?

I would hazard a guess that I was a fairly typical Aussie lass looking down the barrel of being forty and unhappy about my physical appearance. Active when younger, but after two children, the stress of an on going illness in the family and the sedentary life a suburban existence can offer, I stacked on weight. Many attempts with a range of severe and restrictive dieting, support groups, gym subscriptions, activity classes and personal trainers resulted in see sawing weight and the loss of confidence as I gained more weight and unable to shift it. A spiraling case self confidence and depression about the milestone I was about to hit and being in the physical condition I was brought me to the decision to do something immediately about it.

It may be difficult for others to understand why someone who supports the alternative health lifestyle, no chemicals or toxins in the house and consumes mostly organic products would consider surgery. I also understand that its difficult for someone who has never been overweight to fully appreciate the consuming existence of this physicality.

Imagine every time you sit, a soft mass also rests on your lap – and its attached to you; that there seems no gap from the drooping breasts to the drooping belly, all pulled downward by gravity. Unable to do a sit up, bend over to help your children to do their shoes, touch your toes or do up your own shoes, unable to shave your legs properly - all not through lack of flexibility or stretch; but through the physical impossibility to reach that far because of the eternal mass in front of you. Imagine what its like to be constantly asked by strangers in the street when the baby is due, of what its like when you turn around din a café and the table next to you has all its settings upset, unable to go on theme parks rides or having to ask for the extension belt in order to get the airplane lapbelt across safely.

Now imagine that there is an opportunity to drastically change that reality and set you on a more positive path? Who wouldn’t want to explore that?


Do the surgery for the right reasons.

The best reason to undergo surgery is for yourself, not for your partner, your family or for the ladies at the gym who look at you strangely. Something which shocked me when I first arrived back after recovery was to realize that generally, other people don’t notice what you look like. I hadn’t told anyone of my adventures and went to a few social events with close friends. I was astounded that not even they noticed any changes with my body ( or at least mentioned it to me) Instead of wearing flowing long clothes, I now wear tight fitting or figure accentuating outfits – so I would have thought the changes were obvious – especially with the size of my much diminished breasts. This was a big learning point for me on the motivators for a surgery such as this – do it for yourself – not for others. If you choose to tell others, ensure you tell those who will be supportive of your decisions and surround yourself with people who will genuinely care about your confidence and health.

Only a Starting Point

This surgery is only ever meant to mark a starting point for those who have weight issues. My belief is that now I feel better about myself, I am now enthusiastic about getting out of the house, wearing comfortable but trendy exercise gear and joining in on social outings without the shame and fear it used to hold. I now wear tight t -shirts and jeans, proudly showing off a belt and a flattened stomach – even if that showing off is just for me.

Educate yourself

Restored Beauty Getaways provide a thorough service with the information they provide about the surgeries and the travel options available. Use the internet to research the procedures and watch videos on similar surgeries you are thinking of undertaking. There are plenty on youtube – just do the searches. Understand the risks involved, but also understand the risks with you staying the way you are at the moment. Weigh these up carefully and make your decision with your eyes open.

Prepare yourself

Six months before I underwent surgery, I undertook a detoxifying course to ensure my body would be healthy and ready to heal quickly and cleanly. I chose to have plenty of raw and unprocessed foods, enhanced with good quality supplements and glyconutrients in order to give my cells the best opportunity to bounce back after surgery. I also took up extra gentle exercise and became very mindful of extra activities I could undertake to strengthen muscles and endurance.

Identity

It important not only to prepare physically; but psychologically for the surgery. After surgery you will look different, hold your body differently and move differently. Do not leave it till surgery day to begin to work on what this new identity you are about to create will mean to you or to those around you.

Relationships to food may or may not be a major issue or contributor to your physicality. Undergoing surgery is not the answer to an obesity issue. It aught be used in conjunction with a range of strategies; all focused on self acceptance, sensible lifestyle choice and an ongoing commitment to maintaining the body image you want to create.

This surgery will not immediately make you into a supermodel. I understand that I have a journey in front of me with fitness and more reshaping; but its now not such an insurmountable task that I can’t see past the doorstep. I am excited about going to my exercise classes. Clothes fit and look better. I have dropped a few sizes and am encouraged to continue dropping as I focus on a sensible eating and fitness regime. I stand up straight and smile. I feel sexy and desirable; even when naked and staring straight into the mirror. The stitches and surgery markings will fade with time and I look forward to wearing the first bikini I have ever owned.

First Before and After photos

I'm a bit shy about putting the naked photos up as despite me pouring my heart and guts out online - I am actually a very private person.

I thought I'd share the first before and after shots ( clothes on) and I hope that it gives you an idea of the incredible transformation I am undergoing.

This photo is of me waiting for a consultation - just after I landed in the country.


This photo is of me - a week after surgery - wearing the same pants. Underneath you can see I have my surgical restrictive garments ( very sexy I can assure you) and I am still quite swollen. I hope it gives you an indication of the body reshaping that has happened.

Its the first time in years ( probably 5) that I have worn a tight t-shirt. I can hardly contain my excitement at the opporuntity I now have presented before me with clothes options. NO MORE LONG SHIRTS - nothing baggy.. nothing hanging over my tummy to hide it... are you kidding? I am either going topless or showing off my new belly button from now on.. ( will wait till swelling goes down)

Testimony

I am so thrilled and delighted, I am writing a testimony for the company who organized the trip for me. Claire, the lass whom I have had the most contact has been utterly delightful and tireless in her care and in answering queries and questions. I have no hesitations whatso ever in recommending this company and the hospital and surgeons I used.

Restored Beauty provides a personalized sensitive and supportive environment for individuals to discover freely about the surgical procedures which may best suit the outcome of your desire. I am convinced that the surgeons will not advise an individual on a procedure unless it has strong success when compared to the individuals wants.

From first contact, to the recovery afterwards back in Australia, individuals will find the support, and in depth information available breathtaking.

The quality of medical acre far surpassed anything I had expected in my own country. Detailed reposts tests are consultative were conducted to ensure the safety and suitability of the surgeries to each individuals health and well being.

I cannot express the level of genuine concern and care that the nurses and stag at the hospital afforded me, ensuring my comfort and happiness were paramount to their day. The level of attention at each stage of preparation, surety and recovery allayed any fears which I may have had , replacing it with trust.

I cannot describe the thrill I got even from the early stages of stitches and swollen post surgical body, of seeing my reshaped body. Having beautiful pert round breasts and a flattened stomach has gifted me a confidence I’ve not held for over 10 years.

Very early after recovery I went out dancing at a club, an activity I’d not pursued for over 15 years and at no time during the night did I feel self conscious or out of place. I felt beautiful, desirable and youthful and the best part is that it is only the beginning.

I strongly recommend Restored Beauty Getaways for the no nonsense but deeply caring approach to individuals inquiries. The surgeons give honest feedback with realistic outcomes, setting expectations for each patient. They operate under the highest level of integrity and confidentiality and I am confident that anyone who undertakes a suregey with them will be delighted beyond words.

All Aboard!

All packed, ready to go. Panic and stress finally settled in - what to take, what to wear? Will everyone be ok? What will they do with out me?

This is the most disorganized I have ever been on a trip. I have no tourist guide or maps, have not done up an itinerary nor learnt a single word of the languagege. I suck. So stressed and scared about the whole proceedure.

Hubby dropped me off at the airport - I didn't want a big farewell thing - had tears in my eyes the whole way in anycase.

I seriously thought about running out and catching a cab and going to a hotel and slinking back home the next day. Waht a whimp.

huge step in trust and letting go here... wish me luck

Journey of Trust and asking for help

Another big session today. Lots of tears and realizations. Far out - how can one person who is supposed to be on this path of self realization be so screwed up?

I never ask for help - unless I have 100% assurity that I will get it. I value security and my independence over everything and yet value love and connection at that high level too. No wonder I have so much conflict in my life.

This surgery will be a big wake up call and journey for me - because there will be nearly a week I cannot do a thing - go to the toilet - brush my teeth sit up - without asking for help - and it will be from complete strangers that I will need to ask for this assistance.

Am feeling mentally and emotionally tired after today.

What got me started

You’d have to be living under a rock not to have been exposed to TV reality shows like the biggest loser or extreme makeover. I can’t say that I have ever actually watched these in entirety – perhaps a few snatches here and there – but then I don’t watch a lot of TV in anycase.

I’d seen some articles about lipo and cosmetic surgery – looked at it on the internet – but the price from the local surgeries really scared me off. Sometime last year I saw an article on surgeries oversees. I looked up the company and just for fun – got a quote on a few things. We kept in contact but I never really thought about going ahead with it.

Having weeks off away from the family and the cost – even though it was half the price – really put me in my place. I felt I was not worth it. Last year one of my good friends had the lap band surgery and really hadn’t looked back – she really is half the size she used to be. However – talking to her and being with her made me realsie that I couldn’t follow the lifestyle that is required to keep this up. The thing that did it for me was no fruit or veges raw as they can’t go down the tiny hole. I love my apples and carrots, just munching them straight from the fridge and to think I couldn’t do that.. eeekkkkk can anyone say colon cancer?

Just after Xmas, one of my sisters – stick thin as she is – never had a weight issue ; as lovingingly as she could, cornered me at the washing up pile and said she wanted to pay for help for me to get rid of my weight issues. It was then a bit of a relief to actually talk to her about some of the options I had found. We then got on a conference call with another sister who also committed money to put in for help.

I then had no objections as far as the cost went – and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders – I researched in earnest for the best options. Dieticians, phyc help

For lots of reasons I have discussed before, surgery was the best for me. After presenting this to them, I was told flat that they were not going to pay for this – that they would only pay for the lapband surgery. This really sucked the wind out of my sails. I was so buoyant and free before this – feeling I was doing something that would make a huge difference to me and then the rug pulled unceremoniously from under my feet.

However – people who want to rescue you only do it for themselves – under their terms and I was not going to be bullied or convinced to do something that in my heart I knew was not right for me. It really hurt and I cried for days about it. Just when I thought my sisters truly understood me and ‘got’ me – only to realize that they had no idea.

But then its pretty difficult to understand a physicality you have never experienced yourself. Being this overweight is not like carrying a few pounds you hide under a big shirt . Its all pervasive. It defines you and people judge and pervieve your character before they even meet you – simply on the way you look.

How could I get the message across to someone who has never worn something larger than a size 12 what its like to never go into a normal clothing store – because there simply is nothing you can buy, what its like to have a loaded credit card – desperate to buy something – anything to wear to a special event and not find – literally a thing to wear, what its like to find something that does fit – and you just buy it – even though it’s the wrong colour and style for you – but simply because it fits?

You can’t and for that reason I forgive them. They see the lap band as the right way – the safe way. I’ve gone into all the dangers it entails and even if half is true and not prepared to put my body through that – even if someone else pays for it.

This is on my terms. I just wish they could understand how important it is for me.

FEAR

Fear - Forget everything and run.... or

False Expectations Appearing Real.....as much as I am saying those false expectations are nothing but fantasies in my head.... I have VERY good imagination and I am shaking and feel sick..

I go from being so confident and feeling great about this surgery and feeling like I about to die, wondering what will happen to my family because I was so selfish and risked my life in this way.
One of the worst things about it is that I have very few people to share this sick grinding fear with.

My hubby is so supportive and wants me just to be happy, but I can't forget the tears he has shed or the fears he holds because he cannot be with me.

One of my closest friends has completely shut me out of her life and is on a journey of her own. She done nothing but be consistent with her values and demonstrated the way she does friendship - so its not up to me to judge that. It is what it is. Its just not the way I value things nor is it the way I prefer to conduct friendship. I think its just harder right now because I really need a girlfriend to confide in - to cry and fall apart with. I am having a bit of a pity party about it all - but need to suck it up - she has done nothing inconsistent with they way she has always lived her life. Its just right now I need her first real time I really need her to be there.. and shes not.

where to get the best care for cosmetic suregery

well - here is the link to Phuket Hospital - where I will be. its gorgeous. enormous rooms, wonderful staff etc.. check it out.

http://www.phukethospital.com/eng/tour-hospital-ward-president.html

A Shamanistic Journey

I had some counseling on Tuesday and have had a bunch of things to think about since then.

One very strong thing I have taken away from my time was the reframe on the surgery. For me its not an end all and be all solution - its the start of a journey. I have done so much and I need help to get me to the next level. I need to physically change before i can take that step.

The surgery is a journey for me - like shamanistic ceremonies where there is firewalking, or drawing of blood, sweat tents etc. my body needs proof and symbols to reinforce that it is undergoing permanent change...

Going under anesthetic each time will allow my body to journey deep inside, to uncover the last corners and to bring back some answers for my conscious self.

Today I am feeling at peace with it all. just wish it were sooner.. the waiting now is killing me.

Still wondering what to say to folk

SOfar I have been unable to tell many people – hubby ( of course – after tearful and gutwrenching displays of emotion and a bunch of other stuff months ago.) and a dear girlfriend of mine whom although we see very little of, email or be in touch, we connect immediately when we do – and over lunch I felt it right to tell her. She was so supportive and fantastic about it. She even wanted to come with me and get some stuff done.. believe me – out of all my girlfriends, she is the last person I would think needed any perfecting on.

I kinda have to thing about what I am going to say to people as I am expecting its going to be quite a transformation when all the swelling etc goes down. I know its not going to change me into a size 12 – but there will be some major body shape differences. Maybe I just won’t say anything. After all – its not like its anyones business.

I know its not a end all and be all change – it’s the beginning of something fantastic and new. I feel I have done as much as I can and I really need help ona major level to step up to the next phase in body acceptance. Its just not going to work when I look the way I do.

I am both scared and so looking forward to it.. less than two weeks now.

trying to tell girlfreinds

This is a really tough one. I have desperately wanted to tell my close girlfriends but wanted to tell them face to face.

I'd tried to organize a time to get us together, but everyone seems to be so busy and little time to take time out to spend with others. It just didn't happen.

One of my closest and the one I had hoped I could rely on the most - I had planned to tell while we were at an expo health retreat thing all day. Surrounded by really positive energy and lots of loving intentions, we were to have the day together chatting with spiritual people about true feelings and emotions. As I was setting up our display stuff, she sent me an sms to say she was not coming. She turned her phone off for the rest of the day and didn't return any calls or sms that day.

It was a bit of a blow but I had to cope - huge day ahead, now all resting on me to provide and deliver. I hated having to lie to the organiser why she wasn't there, so didn't. just said she chose not to be there and left it at that. I was disturbed by my lack of emotion about the whole day. I understand that I was put into survival mode and drew on my tools and coping mechanisms to deal with what happened. However, its not for weeks afterward that I realise how this event and what happened afterwards has affected me deeply.

I didn't hear from her for nearly two weeks and as time went on I discovered it to be a very difficult and distressing position, where it become apparent to me that she was completely oblivious to the whole situation, obviously thought that what she had done didn't need mentioning or explaining and certainly not apologizing or being responsible in anyway for it.

and the thing was that I wasn't even after an apology - just some sort of recognition or responsibility for how her decision impacted on me and my day. May be its just me and I have made it bigger than it aught to have been, I don't know.

I can't speak for her or even understand why she chose not to have any dialogue with me but it would be my guess she thought I would cope and just get on with it and that it wasn't a big deal.

After struggling with with for a while I came to the understanding that she has done nothing but been consistent the entire time we have been friends. She has consistently been this way and I have allowed and accepted this. All she has done since is to demonstrate in her own way, the way she conducts friendships and they way she likes to be approached - so in reality - nothing has changed - she has done nothing different than she always has. Its my perceptions and the meanings I have placed upon those events which have caused me so much heart ache and distress.

At a key time where I actually needed someone to be there for me, she wasn't, perhaps and I suspect this is true, she never has been. In all this I need to take responsiblity for my actions. I don't demand much from a friendship. I am neither clingy or needy, gossip nor judgemental. I demand solidness, strength of character, authenticity, integrity and congruency. Maybe thats a hard shopping list.

It is what it is. Its been nearly 2 months since that expo and I've barely spoke or seen her ( twice I think) She is very busy with a project and has been focusing on that. Perhaps this is the inevidibel end of that friendship.

So its left me with no-one to share my last month of fear ridden concerns. No-one to slap me and tell me to stop wrapping christmas presents for goddess sake I am going to be here to do it myself. No-one to kick me and tell me to go and enjoy my kids and stop worrying about them so much.

It is my fault, I let so few in and am so devistated when they don't make the grade.

what to tell people

I am going to come back different - in shape and as a person. so what they hell does one say?

While its true I have hidden away for a good two months and have been dieting, trying to gain peace and health in preparation for this surgery, there is still going to be a big difference. I am still unsure if I am even going to let on I had surgery.. is it really anyones business?

I think I am just going to smile and thank them for their observations.

hardly anyone knows I am going overseas or into hospital in anycase.

Realistic expectations of tummy tuck proceedure

I don't expect to get rid of my whole gut - but from explanation and photos I have seen, I expect that I will no longer have a big flap hanging over my hips and onto my legs.

I seriously cannot think of how else you can imagine to get rid of a stomach when it gets this way. bal bla we all know that prevention is the best cure and one aught never get into the situation in the first place.. but what about all the people who have and are now stuck helpless with this huge apron, front porch into front of them, unable to do much exercise because the bulk physically prevents them from doing it. imagine trying to run or jump with this in front of you? let me tell you - its neither a pretty site , nor is it comfortable. add to this the huge weight of breasts which usually go with this figure, usually very droppy - like mine. You end up feeling like crap the whole time, unable or unwilling to wear anything more revealing than a sheet and begin to think the Muslim women have something going for their fashion.

So realistically - the excess skin and flap is removed and stomack flattened or shaped to me smoother if not flat. how exciting does that sound... like 1000000000000 times exciting. THis proceeeudre is not meant as a weight loss technique - so I am not expecting great swathes of fat to be ripped out of me. I understand that its quite dangerous for the bod y in any case to loose volumne so it can't be done anywhay.

There is still work to be done in the sit ups and exersie arena - but heck when you start looking good, you'll feel like getting out there.

I am still not comfortable to have my photos of the before shot even seen by me - much less published - but a quick google search will reveal many others who have done the procedure and the results they have achieved. I can only dream that if my result looks half as good as this it will be money well spent.

I thank the anonymous lady whose photos I have pulled from the net - I would acknowledge you - but there was no name or details.

I look much worse that she does... and can only marvel at what surgery can achieve.. cross fingers... getting excited... and a bit scared too.

Small stuff - sit ups

I did a sit up today – that might not sound huge or exciting for many – but I havn’t done a sit up for over 10 years. And although some of it was never going there – other times – at the gym or in classes – it wasn’t for the want of trying. My gut was too big and I had no strength in my core to actually get me up…

I also did a stretch to day I haven’t done in years either.. Its not that my stetch is bad – I have an excellent one. But some of them I can’t physically do – because of the fat on my gut. I had my legs stretched out in front of me and lent over and touched toes with both hands. I was amazed. Wow – I did it!

Been enjoying dancing heaps. I still suck at it but still go.

Its the small things I have been noticing which have started to change...

The journey of losing wieght

trying to keep a log of how I am feeling this last month before I go to surgery. Trying to think - have I done enough? did I sneek anything I aught not have? done more? Whilst its true I kept a log on another blog on everything I ate - 3 chips here - a bite of a sandwich there, the last 5 months have been very healthful and have changed the way I look at food now. almost to the point I can't be bothered much of the time now. Even Lindt doesn't taste so nice any longer and I'd rather have a crunchy apple.
In so many ways I feel restricted by my body, lumbering slow and sluggish. always feeling my stomock on my legs or being able to rest a cup when I am sitting down. Thats kinda gross.

I totally get that this suregery is not the end all and be all - its the start of my journy - a huge wake up for me and I am just praying that it will not be a painful one.

I feel a bit ashamed too - I am bending to the media, the idols of our time. Shifting my thoughts that I cannot be the best I can no matter how I look. Just caving in to a manufactured belief and ideal.

I think there is only so many times I can sit in the corner and tell the world to go fuck itself to realise that it doesn't care what I think. get in line. play nicely. look the part.

is being part of the mould part of the journey? lets explore.

losing weight and loose undies

Its an exciting feeling – seeing your clothes drop off you. I have underwear that just doesn’t fit any longer – however I need to keep it till after the ops – so when I finally settle down I will need to go shopping for new stuff – all different sizes.
None of my jeans fit any longer – I can put both arms down the sides of the waistband and pull them outward. My shirts are huge and I hate them all – I look like a house still.

I go from being happy I have lost weight to crappy as I still look gross. I know I don’t get out much – but no-one seems to have noticed or said anything. I guess if you have the amount I have to lose, then you just look plain fat – no matter how much you lose.

I am glad I am going off to get the surgery done. I think it’s the right time.

Another freak out

Just when I thought I had settled myself down and got over the whole pity party thing, the kids are home sick and I got to wondering if I wasn't around who'd tuck them in, look after them? and then started to freak out again about voluntarily going into three surgeries.... I am such a big girls blouse...

Haven't told my dance class teacher or my karate sensei that I will be at LEAST two months away from classes. Just a chicken.

Am burying myself at home and trying to finish off at least one project before I go.. cupboards are a mess, mending pile is ginormous.. might have to throw it all out to hide that... my sewing machine stopped working today - so cross.

so you can see - bit scattered and all over the shop today..

Feelin crappy and snappy

just feeling crappy. depressed and scared and unsure and generally nervous and unsure and.. everything...Told my mother in law that I was going into hospital for a few weeks but didn't want to talk about it any more - at least she respected my want to be private. I owe her that at least.

major dramas with care of kids though - they were to go to my mums - but now Dad has to go into surgery - Pretty stressful major emergency type thing) and is booked in half way through while I am gone. trying to work round a bunch of options - can't have kids here with hubby - no after school care available here and trying to get the younger one into longer term day care -- impossible.... anyway - looks like she is going to ask one of her neighbours who has kids to look after my two for two nights - hubby will drive up ( 3 hours) and look after them over the weekend and then hand them back to neighbour for one or two nights.

Poor little squeeks... they are resilliant and I jsut hope they are ok...

crappy crappy snappy .. not worth talking to.

blew the eating thing

was ok all day - but took the kids out for a meal - they wanted Maccas or Chicken - but we settled on a pizza and cold rock. thankfully I am so fussy with icecream I didn't have to think about having any - but the smell of the freshly cooked pizza... oh dear. hadn't eaten all day.. had 4 slices straight up.. feel sick and disgusted with self.

Headaches and feeling pretty low today.

Competition time

been doing really well on my eating plan this year. Started off going fully raw. It sucked big time for a long time- then I kinda got used to it... as did the family. on and off for a while and hten got stuck into replacement meal shakes. Sometimes I can go a few days and only have them. I don't even miss eating... just stay busy. confession tonight though... ate half a block of chocolate watching tv. only have had a pear and a carrot though for rest of day - so I guess it evens out...
competition time.... can I go more than 3 days without eating something.. other than shakes?... humm maybe not over the weekend...
the more I lose the better I'll be operation time...

Liposuction

Ok - I coped watching videos of the tummy tuck - but liposuction ones have made me a bit queezy.....

I have looked at a bunch of vidoes by this Doctor - he seems really cool.

Tummy Tuck

Ok - I have been really concerened about what the effect would be on my body after surgery. I haven't been able to find any pictures of videos of people who look like me and what they look like afterwards - till this one.. I think I am getting a bit excited now. I don't expect to walk out looking like a super model - but to get rid of the hanging stomock... and to have some sort of waist... even a larger one.. .oh dreams... I could even then do some of the stretches in dance class I can't do - not becasue of lack of flexibility - but beacuse of my fat gut.

Adreniline Rushes

Its not anything new - but I get Adrenaline Rushes constantly throughout the day. - you know that cold "silver" spreading feeling that starts in your chest and tingles its way through your body? I can't say my heart rushes or anything before or afterwards - but its been with me so long I thought its normal.

Its the reason I can't sleep or relax. I can't stop still and have to move all the time.

did some reserach and found that adrenaline is a hormone produced by the adrenal gland in the body of many animals. When it is produced in the body it stimulates the heart-rate, dilates blood vessels and air passages, and has a number of more minor effects. Adrenaline is naturally produced in high-stress or physically exhilarating situations.

Does this men I live in a constant state of high stress? hummm must do I guess - but I wouldn't have said I was stressed normally. I usually got it all down pat.

The term "fight or flight" is often used to characterize the circumstances under which adrenaline is released into the body. It is an early evolutionary adaptation to allow better coping with dangerous and unexpected situations. With dilated blood vessels and air passages, the body is able to pass more blood to the muscles and get more oxygen into the lungs in a timely manner, increasing physical performance for short bursts of time.

The adrenal glands may be found directly above the kidneys in the human body, and are roughly three inches (7.62 cm) in length. Norepinephrine (or noradrenaline) is also released from the adrenal glands when they are active. In a healthily functioning human, approximately 80% of the released substance is adrenaline, and the other 20% is norepinephrine.

Adrenaline was the first hormone to be identified, and was successfully synthesized in 1904. It is part of a family known as biogenic amines, which includes serotonin and histamine, among others. Its specific compound group is the catecholamine group, which also includes norepinephrine and dopamine. Sustained high levels of catecholamines in the blood are a good indicator of chronic stress.

It may be important after a particularly stressful situation to 'work off' the adrenaline that has been released into your system. Our ancestors handled this naturally through fighting or other physical exertion, but in the modern world, high-stress situations often arise that that involve little physical activity. This can leave high amounts of adrenaline in the body, resulting in insomnia and jittery nerves.

alot more research tells me that its pretty bad for the heart and lessens your life expectancy. So for me to have adrenaline shooting off every 10 mins ( or less) is umm a bit of a concern.

might have to do some more research

Pity Party Over

Pity Party

About time to crash the pity party and get on with reshaping a new identity. That’s what this whole exercise is all about –after all. I know in the very fiber of my being that the stomach stapling gastro lap band thing would just not suit me. It don’t re educate the way you eat – as far as I can tell from experiences others around me have had – is that it physically restricts you in eating the amounts you used to – but not WHAT goes in. The things you can eat would be stuff no healthy person should eat anyway – no greens, no fruit or fiberous stuff? Man – that’s just a highway to colon cancer. I think the thing that really did it for me in my decision not to do the lap band was the gleeful admissions by people who had it done that they could still eat chocolate and dessert.

Habits is what will reshape me and in my 4 months of being nearly ( on and off) raw, I have changed from getting a snack of a chocolate bar at the petrol station when I fill up or at the supermarket – and opting to wait till I get home – or finding some grapes, cherries or some sweet fruit to munch on instead. I ( and this shocked me) even don’t feel like eating sweet processed things and hunger for a piece of melon or an apple instead. I think that in itself is gold.

So Pity Party is over. I think (modestly of course) that I have far too much in store for me in this life to end it now. It would just be too boring. Being chased naked down the street at 107 after having an affair with someone 3 times my junior… now that’s more likely….. and a bit more fun to think about.

Looking at the positives

Just a short one today.

I’m not sick, I am in pretty good health – having been on a nearly raw diet now for 4 months and taken plenty of glyconutrients and supplements.

I go to a dance class on a Monday night – what a work out!, do karate twice a week ( mostly)

I wish I could say I have lost heaps of weight and inches and inches as was my plan. But despite being uber strict, have really not changed much – a few inches on the hips and waist – practically nothing on the scales.

So perhaps – after hormonal tests have come back with nothing, thyroid is only a little under active – this surgery will actually help me.

Unless you have been there – been really overweight - you can’t know how it feels, how pervasive lunging this weight around with you everywhere – the judging looks from people if you dare eat out, how you have to chose the right chairs and places to sit – otherwise you don’t fit, how you can’t join your kids in the park or on rides in the fair or theme parks because you don’t fit. The embarrassment and frustration.http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/50126803_90887e1251_s.jpg

I'd really like to go on the rollercoaster...one of the first things I am planning to do when I get back.

So the positives for this surgery will be that I will look different – even a little and in that way I will be different, will react to the world around be differently. Although there isn’t a confidence pill, I am sure that this comes a very close second.. the opportunity to look different – that’s something to hold on to.

Tummy Tuck - whats involved?

I have been too afraid to talk about what I am about to undergo with anyone - apart from my partner. Afraid of their reaction, judgment. I went through the whole research stuff last year - but it was pretty much hypothetical... its now less than 2 weeks... here's a you tube basic video of what one of the surgeries I am getting done... and yes - getting some very attractive undergarments to wear for weeks afterwards

What would you do if you had less than 25 days to live?

I have to say as the time ticks on I am sacred to freaking death. I go from trying to normalize the whole thing to getting panicy about all the things I haven’t done.

I started looking at all the Christmas presents I have stashed away today. I am a compulsive present buyer – when I see something on sale or perfect for someone , I will buy it and stash it – making Christmas so much more manageable financially and with less stress. I started to think that well – if I am not here – then my family is going to be stuck with a bunch of gifts with no names on them – or worse yet – finding them years later and wondering what to do.

I’ve so many projects I have started and not fully completed – scrap book gift for hubby, photo albums from life overseas – literally hundreds of photos which would be meaningless to anyone else, patchwork and needlepoint, not to mention writing projects and websites I am still fiddling with.

What the hell do you do? Try and finish everything? Go mad with the flurry of activity? Or try and capture some sort of memories with your family, your kids, the people you love? I have been so tetchy lately, and I know horrible to be around – especially for my sweet kids. Probably a combination of the lack of food and stress, hormones – and stress….

What would you do if you had less than 4 weeks of life?

No-one can actually ever tell – the good old bus might mow you down tomorrow. I have attempted to live with little regret, to tell people what I feel about them. I can’t see myself doing a mass mail out of “I love yous” to people. I would hope that if something did happen and I died – that people would know; that they would already have that closure.

What are my regrets? I guess I don’t have long sweeping ones like wasting my life on stuff – they are specific things.

I regret I didn’t insist both my sisters be bridesmaids at my wedding. The material for their dresses still sits in the bottom of my huge material cupboard.

I regret losing touch with my best friend from Uni. We just drifted apart after she was posted up north to teach and married. Different lives, just drifted away. She’s a stranger to me now when we see on another. We used to share everything, know everything about each other, get in and out of the most terrible scrapes and it stabs me in the heart to think it was just.. lost.

I have traveled extensively, experienced life at all angles, had crazy love affairs, dangerous and mad times done extreme adventure pursuits and lived (so far) a pretty outrageous and fortunate life intermixed with incredible crap times and misfortune ( if you could label certain growth periods as misfortune). . I’d be miffed I would have to say – if I never got to see Russia, Turkey or Croatia – we missed them when we lived os.. Hubby was too ill with the treatments for us to get off the beaten track too much by the time we were to see them.

I’d be particularly sad that I wouldn’t be round to help my daughter – who at the age of 4 has the sprit of a tiger and attracts trouble with a giant T. She’s going to need a heap of help as she grows up.

I go between being scared witless to being numb. The worst thing about it all is that I have no-one to share it with. I will tell the story of my family in a post soon.. just have to get the emotional strength to revisit all of that awefulness.

I can’t really let on to my partner – hes being supportive and strong and all that and I see the tears in his eyes and desperation every day – he looks at me as though I am going to die – that he will be waving me off and he’ll never see me again. How can I even say that I am scared to him? We both fall apart? Someone has to remain strong.

I’ve not told any of my friends about what I am going to do. Is it so bad that I feel that they wouldn’t understand? That I think the friendships I have are so shallow or judgmental that they would pass judgments? Its not about them – I know that – its about me and my insecurities. I am so crap at this.

Feeling strong and weak

I still have the guilt of using a huge amount of money which quite possible would be better served elsewhere to benefit the whole family – rather than to satisfy the selfish needs of one person.

However, I’ve not been truly happy for years. I have been hiding away more and more and become more despondent as the years go on with my body image. I have had high points feeling good – but have sunk to great depths too.

I have been unwilling to share what I am about to do with anyone – fearing judgment or being nagged to deviate from my plans. Perhaps tomorrow I might write about what prompted me in to action.

I have moments of feeling really good about what I am going to do – then the doubts if its just a waste of money, if it will work, if I will actually be any different or look any different. It’s a see saw of feeling strong then weak and it pretty much sucks.

Saced and Selfish

My intention for the next 30 days is to record each day feelings and thoughts as I head towards possibly the most scary selfish thing I have ever decided to do.

Selfish in that I don’t normally spend money on myself – I hate to shop – especially for clothes – but that is all wound up with the self image thing and self worth issues I have.

Selfish as in the surgery carries many dangers and risks. There is the possibility that I might die on the table. I have two surgeries planned – a day apart from the other and there is ‘a lot’ of work to be done. The risks are 1 in 100 000 – where as dying in a car crash is 8 in 100 000 ( got that from a website on dangers) I am selfish in that I have two very beautiful and loving kids who need me. I have a husband who loves me the way I am and is struggling to understand why this is important to me at all. Selfish as I see the tears in his eyes every time we talk about it. Its cutting me up and am on the verge of saying no I won’t do it. But he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy and can see my mind is set on doing this.

I am selfish enough to risk my life, to die, to chase this dream. That’s pretty damned terrifying.

I am selfish as I am using a great big chunk of money which sensibly should be used to buy us a new car – our current one is just about dead, but a new stove – two of our burners have not worked for 6 months, pay down our debts and house mortgage… especially with the current economic climate – who knows who will have jobs by the end of the month? So selfish, the worst I have ever been and yet,,, I still am committed.

Its scary. Going to a hospital for one thing. I am not fazed at all by getting on an airplane and flying several hours alone. I am really happy with the level of information given to me and the other peoples testimonies.

I’m scared that I am not ready – that I am too fat, not the right candidate for this sort of procedure – that the doctors will tell me to go away and lose weight before I come back. I’ve done a bunch of research on liposuction particularly and shake my head – its best for people who are 10% over their normal weight – WHAT? If I was 10% over my ideal weight who would CARE?

In short – today I am scared. Its now less than 30 days before I get on the plane- having said goodbye to my kids and hubby – and he wondering if he’ll ever see me again.

Abdominoplasty or the Tummy Tuck

In addition to the Liposuction I am best to have a tummy tuck..

"Abdominoplasties are particularly useful for women who have had a number of children and consequently stretched their abdominal muscles past point of no return and build up of extra skin around the middle which creates unsightly and unattractive folds that exercise and diet cannot reduce." - yup thats me... no return....

How the Abdominoplasty surgery is performed

The entire tummy tuck procedure takes on average two to five hours depending on the nature of the procedure.

The procedure begins with a long incision across the hipbone immediately above the pubic area. Surgeons then make another cut to remove the belly button from the original tissue in order to transplant it back when the procedure is complete.

The skin is then separated from the lower torso from the pubic area to the ribcage, revealing the muscles underneath. These muscles are then stitched together forcing them to conform to their new position, creating a more toned and defined waistline. The skin is then stretched down to the area of the initial incision, sutured together, and any skin that remains is surgically removed. A new cut is made for the navel and gauze, bandages, and a temporary tube to drain away any excess fluid are added to finish up the surgery.

Circumferential Abdominoplasty

When patients desire a more defined waistline that extends beyond the front portion of their abdomen they often require the complex procedure called Circumferential Abdominoplasty. Rather than merely concentrate on sculpting and shaping the front part of the stomach as common tummy tucks achieve, circumferential abdominoplasty takes into account the entire middle portion of the body.

Most people who elect this procedure have localized fat deposits and or disproportional fat distribution that affect the way they look, feel, and act. Although the scarring from this surgery is usually far more extensive than less invasive procedures, many patients feel it is an equitable trade off to achieve the look they desire.

The Dangers of Liposuction

The dangers of liposuction are sometimes overlooked when the lure of a more shaply figure is within reach. Imagine having trimmer tummy and slimmer thighs - but without months of lettuce leaves? I have been doing heaps of research and am scared as hell... but here goes....

Some of the possible side effects of this procedure are bruising, swelling, temporary numbness and discomfort in the surgically treated area. There is a possibility of serious complications such as blood clots, infection or allergic reactions if the procedure is not performed by an experienced plastic surgeon.

The dangers of liposuction increase in proportion to the amount of fat removed. The risks and dangers of liposuction are increased if the large area is to be treated. There is also a chance that vital organs can be perforated or injured. Other dangers of liposuction can occur during the recovery process, in which the patient can incur infection or have unfavorable drug reactions.

Liposuction removes excess fat from specific areas of the body to improve its shape and contours. A blunt tube similar to a straw is inserted through tiny incisions in the skin. A suction pump is connected to the tube, which is moved in a side-to-side motion, vacuuming out the excess fat.

Large amounts of fluid containing diluted lidocaine for local anesthesia and epinephrine to reduce bleeding are gently pumped into the fatty layer through tiny needle holes in the skin until it is swollen or tumescent. As a result of the blood vessel constriction from the epinephrine in the anesthetic solution, there is very minimal bleeding during and after surgery. The average blood loss is just about a tablespoon, less than is often taken for blood tests so there is no need for blood transfusions.

The swelling of the fatty layer makes it easier to remove the unwanted fat, greatly reduces bleeding and results in numbness that lasts up to 24 hours. This numbness allows the procedure to be done without the need for general anesthesia and greatly reduces postoperative discomfort. Usually light oral sedation is used to make the injection of the fluid comfortable.

The biggest dangers of liposuction procedures have been related to three factors: the risks associated with general anesthesia and sedation, risks associated with blood loss and fluid replacement, and risks associated with excessive liposuction. These dangers of liposuction are reduced or eliminated by adhering to the tumescent technique.

The drugs used for general anesthesia are relatively more dangerous than those used for local anesthesia. The dangers of liposuction associated with these medicines, including respiratory arrest and allergic reactions, are eliminated by not using them. Local anesthesia is considerably safer, and tumescent liposuction provides better comfort requiring only Tylenol for pain relief during healing.

Using the tumescent technique eliminates the risks associated with substantial blood loss during traditional liposuction. Although the limit of fat removal for one session is ten pounds, the greater the amount of fat taken out can increase the dangers of liposuction. The less fat removed in any one surgery needs to be strictly limited for safety's sake. Liposuction is not appropriate for everyone.

QCG - a breath of fresh air to the magazine world

Last night I went to a magazine launch. Sophee the editor has a vision to change the perception of beauty with the media – a huge undertaking and one that needs to be both encouraged and supported.

At first, Sophee had wanted to produce a magazine aimed at her own age group – that of under 25s. She quite rightly believes the body image is influenced almost exclusively through the images young girls receive through the media. Unfortunately, the reception she received about her idea was met with resistance and heavily discouraged.

She turned to her mothers age group –the lady-boomers and found the women over 40 were more comfortable with their bodies, have had enough life experience to realize that beauty radiates from within. Sadly the current models and stars don’t support these undercurrents – Cleo and Cosmo were once bastions of fashion and feminine spirit for the over 30 woman. Nowadays they seem to have been reduced to an audience of under 21s. – at least the articles appear to be written for that age group and the models – well….. I would wonder how many were over 15.

The magazine – QCG – Queensland Calendar Girls will be produced quarterly and will collect inspirational stories of strength and endurance hope and true beauty for the more mature set of women.

Sophees vision is inspiration. As he quoted the wonderful words – be the change you want to see in the world, many of us had to hold back a tear. Follow her on twitter
or check out the website.

Brings me back to my next thought of acceptance for all body types. I am still struggling with the concept and perhaps in a worse place than I have ever been.

I had wanted this blog to be inspirational and full of hope and promise for others and all it has seemed to be is me whining and carrying on about how gross I am. I have not posted for a long time as I felt it was hypocritical of me to do so.

Having forced myself to be sociable and network once again am mortified by the photos of the evening depicting me. I stare and wonder who the fat old chick is and willing her to wake up to herself and get the hell out of the public eye and go and hide back in a cupboard where she belongs.

Cosmetic Surgery - the answer to obesity

Ok – so some serious thoughts and research ahs been going on in my head for the last 6 months or so. I started this blog because I thought I had at last come to peace with the way I looked. I really want to believe that you can be beautiful and sensual no matter what size you are – but I just can’t. In the last six months I have become more sheltered, less gregarious, unwilling to accept any invitations to go out and its getting worse – My own mother in laws wedding – and all I wanted to do was to hide in the hotel room and cry ( which I actually did for part of the time) Its crap and Its got to stop.

I have seriously looked at some of the exotic beauty getaway packages that are springing up all over the place. Its a huge business – over 1000% growth last year alone. Check out Restored Beauty Getaways I met with their representative here in my home town today and was very impressed. Having worked in the recruitment business in medical for a while I would be hesitant to trust most doctors trained in this country – much less those from overseas. I doubt anyone in this country asks for accreditation or looks into the hospital rooms or after care if they go in for surgery. So impressed with the presentation of the rooms etc.. oh and there were lots of machines that went beep – and people walking around with white coats and clipboards looking concerned as well as the ubiquitous person peering into a test tube and swirling it round.. gotta love advertising – however seeing past that – I saw a highly professional team, top notch hospital and very experienced doctors.

Ultimatly, my outcome is confidence. I need something dramatic and this looks like the golden ticket.. I know that I won’t walk out looking like Victoria Beckenham and there are risks involved – but as I said before – the risk of staying the size I am is far greater to my mind than going ahead. Not only health wise – but emotionally and psychologically. I feel myself slipping further into a black hole. I am angry and revolting to be around and feel sorry for my sweet children and patient hubby who look at me with bewildered eyes wondering who this monster is. I just want to get off but can’t find the button to stop.

I feel I am on the brink of a huge step for me and need to just tip over and do it…

Is Surgery the answer to Obesity?

On the other hand of extreme options is surgery. I understand there is a high risk involved – especially for someone who is overweight – to go under the knife. I’ve watched videos of the liposuction and its pretty gross. I can only imagine the pain and bruising once the anesthetic wear off.

Cutting something out or reshaping the form may not be the answer either – but let me tell you – the confidence that I would have if I wasn’t constantly hiding from cameras, holing up in the house because I don’t want to go out or for people to see me – would surely be worth it. As far as scars go – and from all research – the surgeons do a pretty good job now – I would not care one bit – its not like I wear a bikini now nor so I let anyone see my naked body readily. Besides – what cool stories could I make up as reasons for them?

At this point all I can see are the pluses for surgery. To be a size 18 would be an incredible dream for me. Being able to wear semi normal clothes – go into normal shops, go on rides at funparks with my kids, go hot air ballooning, getting into a seat in the airplane. There are things I cannot do physically right now – including stretches for my movement classes – boobs and guts get in the way – and its not my lack of stretch that stops me going any further. Putting on back packs and straps to go bushwalking is a hassle, riding my bicycle is a hassle with my tummy getting in the way. I know that I am getting narrow vision here – but all I can see is the gut gone and I can have a crack at looking normal again.

What does one do? I don’t even have the gumption to bring this up with my partner, fearing ridicule and persecution.

I know a lot (most – well all) my problems about weight are in my head. I can’t bear to look at the mirror and hate seeing photos of myself. I thank the inventor of the digital camera as I can delete all photos of me with a “oops” sorry pressed the wrong button…… I understand that most people have the same fear – that they are not good enough.. for whatever they believe they aught to be good enough for. All I can think is that if only I didn’t have this huge stomach bulging out and knocking everything over when I walk past anything, then I would have more confidence in doing things. I know I have lost confidence majorly in the last few years as the weight has crept on. I no longer want to be part of volunteer groups as it would mean I would have to deal with the public and I shy away from anything I have to present or be in front of people at. Its not I am afraid of public speaking – I just don’t want people to look at me.

I can’t even expect anyone to understand how I feel about this or how desperate this has all become. Perhaps it is optimistic in me thinking that if only, if only I did do the surgery, then things would be different. I know there is no way I would ever go back to being the size I am now if given a clean slate.

The 'side effects' of remaining Morbidly Obese are far far FAR worse than choosing either lap band or surgery. I have always been one who jumps in feet first – dramatic with everything.. I just wish I could talk sensibly about my decision process with someone who actually understood – not a skinny mini who has no idea…( sisters, family….)

The torment is excruitiating.

Is Lap banding the answer to obesity?

You’re very overweight, probably tried every diet and system there is available and had some success on some – nothing on others. Its come to a hard decision. Your health will be compromised if you stay the way you are.

Would a Lap Band – the purported miracle for obesity - really help in the long run?

In case you have lived under a rock for a few years - a lap band or stomach ring is designed to teach you to eat smaller portions, to eat more slowly and to thoroughly chew your food. Over time, you lose weight as your stomach shrinks and you take in less nutrients. You learn how to feel full on a cup of tea or half a biscuit. One of my concerns surrounds the digestive system. I have a friend who cannot eat any fresh fruit or vegetables as she cannot digest them – they won’t fit through the tight ring she has. What on earth is someones digestive system going to look like after a few weeks of no fibre? How would your overall health be with no fresh antioxidants or nutrients entering your system?

She needs to go back every few weeks to get more saline injected in order to keep the ring tight. No doubt – she has lost over 40 kg is the last year and looks amazing. I hate to admit I think I like my food too much to do this. She cannot eat a normal meal and has a lot of pureed foods on hand – like baby food. I wonder – truly – is this where I want to go or be in order to achieve a shape I am happy with? Perhaps hers is an extreme case – however this surgery is one that is for life.

I have spoken to another lass who lost a similar amount but over a longer period. She eats ‘normal’ food – but it seems from forum posts and speaking to people – that meat eating is out of the window if you get this done. This in itself is not such a huge hassle as I don’t eat a great deal to start with – but its all about choices isn’t it? The other lass I chatted to at length was very proud to say she was still able to eat all the sweet things she could – but fatty foods will make you ill the next day. She said that there are many days you just throw up ( and this is 2 years down the track) I wonder again – is this really retraining your eating habits or just instilling new bad ones?

Both of these ladies – as I listen to them are delighted with their surgery and the results – but there is the underlying hatred of their bodies – that they are being controlled by their bodies and are punished with diarrhea or vomiting if they do the wrong thing. One would argue that if this happens you learn and don’t do it again – but it seems – at least with these two – that you do not.

Having a look at some of the other delightful side effects from lapbanding:
• Hair loss
• Nails flake and break easily ( probably lack of nutrition)
• Unable to swallow even an aspirin – all pills must be crushed
• Constipation ( due to lack of water and fibre)
• Every text I have seen states that the lap band is there for life – its not meant to come out again
• Adjustments every 2 months at least – local anesthetic and needles
• Malabsorption of food ,
• Vomiting and nausea
• vitamin deficiencies,
• chronic abdominal pain
• Osteoporosis
• Ulsers
• gallstones

Having clicked on the links beside some of these I see that they suggest certain medications to counteract these side effects. It all looks so dodgy and dangerous… and they are for life... So by doing this – does this really ‘train you’. Is this really what you need to be doing for the rest of your life?

Reality kicks in with photos

I just don’t get how you can be so skew in the way you feel and the way you look.

I bought a dreamy beautiful gown to go to a wedding yesterday. I got my fingernails and toenails done ( a pure luxury for me) my hair cut and today meticulously did my make up. I felt at least a million dollars and set off to the wedding, thinking I looked fabulous.

Family and formal photos completed - I have the chance via the wonder of digital photos to look at some of the shots - and was horrified to see my bloated face and body dominating the screen.

I am close to tears as I am writing this. I felt so chic and glamorous and then get a glance in photos and all I want to do is lock myself up and never come out.

I have tears running down my face as I type this. I felt so gorgeous only to be smacked around by reality. The thing that gets me the most is that I would describe myself as sensible, grounded and practical – how is it that I can be so wrong and so out of wack with something as important and glaringly obvious as what you LOOK like?

I wonder if I am the only one who ever feels like this – do I have such an ego that it needs to be slapped down like this?

I am unsure if I even want to go back to the wedding breakfast – to face all the others – family members looking gorgeous… and then there are the official photos and the dreaded family shots. I have been pretty good so far at avoiding all of these – being busy with the kids or taking shots myself – so unable to be lined up with everyone else.

Later on………
Sadly for my depressive funk I had to go back to the party – the kids were hungry and being the partner of one of the wedding party I was kind of missed.

I wonder how long I can coop myself up in the house without going out.